where did my writing go?

i'm not quite sure why writing this blog has gotten away from me over the past five years or so.  there are a hundred reasons i can come up with ranging from the fatigue of whole brain radiation and years of chemo treatments and targeted therapies all the way to i just haven't felt much like sitting in front of a computer for one second longer than i need to.  most likely, it is a combination of those two things. 

i do write nearly every day in a journal, noting the best and worst events of the day, hopefully leaving them to the side, out of thought, as i get ready to fall asleep each night.  doing so has been a part of my routine for a long time.  while it might seem a waste, those notes serve as reference for me - where i've grown stronger and learned from life's experiences and also where i continue to let myself and others down.  once in a while i will look back at the same date a year, five years, later and laugh to see something similar recorded there.  this time of year it is often related to skiing or snow. 

it is true, that time flies.  i have more than once wished i could reattain the perspective of my four year-old nephew, feeling the length of the days and all they hold.  being small and cramming so much activity and learning in between hours of sleep, the school days and recess and that routine never felt short on time.  at some point things go into hyper-drive and the days slip by so easily, it becomes tough the even remember what you did a week ago, maybe even a day ago. 

so, how to slow things down?  around this time last year i abandoned the loud music, clanging barbells, and other noises of the gym and started running again.  walking, really, at first, evolved into running for an indiscriminate period of time, two minutes, or three, then walking to catch my breath, and back to running.  there was no method to my madness other than wanting to train for a marathon and cross the finish line upright.  someone gave me the name of their running guru and advised me to pick up a book about run-walking a marathon, and i became even more focused on my pace.  thirty seconds running, thirty second walking, doing this for miles at a time.  meanwhile the days progressed.  from freezing temperatures with snow or blue skies to thunderstorms and running in shorts, i watched the world come alive from winter to spring to early summer for the first time in years.  the self-mandated time outside challenged my body and mind.  i had been aching for this balance for a while; i am certain it saved me from a winter of discontent. even while counting my every step, my head felt clear and the smallest details were noted and tucked away.

i have been halfheartedly training for a half marathon coming up in nineteen days for the past two months or so.  the run is in austin, texas and i am hoping for warmer weather and looking forward to getting away to somewhere i've been before but for a different event.  my favorite training runs have been the ones in the snow and ice, or running headlong into the north wind and the chill that comes with it.  the short days have been my enemy, dark mornings sucking the will to rise early and get going.  the treadmill is out of the question; and so miles logged have not been many, but the quality has been just perfect.  to finish this run will be a different kind of accomplishment, having made it through the darkest part of the year and looking ahead to a certain thaw as i begin again to prepare for another half marathon, this one in duluth, minnesota, just half of the course i ran last summer, but more time to enjoy the day.  i cant wait for the first warm and humid sunny morning this spring - even as i strive to slow the passing of every single day.