january

rathskeller, state college pa.  jim, colee, mom, dad and i each had a pint (full disclosure: i drank a bit of mine and handed it over to jimnerd) before the penn state vs minnesota hockey game

let's hear it for hockey fans.  what a photogenic family.

center city philadelphia from the roof of the penn presby parking garage.  before i had a needle-full of avastin jabbed into my left eye.

just a dusting of snow to whet the appetite for the main event.  peachy zooms with excitement on a sunday afternoon.

morning after the main event.  west chester received around two feet of snow.  the remnants will be washed away tonight and tomorrow during torrential rains.  we enjoyed it while it lasted. 

"the bewildered mind is weak because it is continually distracted," says sakyong mipham in his book, "turning the mind into an ally", a book i pick up and put down as my spirit rises and then falters.  january was a difficult month.  perhaps it was the transition back to "real life" after vacation; i prefer to think of real life as all-inclusive, the good, the bad, the ugly, but i digress...

maybe it was the constant onslaught of dreary, freezing cold days paired most often with miserable spitting rain instead of the cold sunshine more fitting for the month.  for me, the lowest days are those when i don't see the sun, when it is hidden behind layers of clouds and i am hidden beneath layers of clothing.  with every passing year i am less interested in the cold weather - its only redemption is skiing.

january is a month of resolution makers doing their best to turn over a new leaf and be "better" in one or more aspects of their lives.  january, for me, was a month during which my radiation retinopathy reached a point i'd been dreading, which is to say i could no longer see 20/20 out of my left eye, even with glasses.  a needle full of avastin was poked into my eye (yes, i was awake and not at all sedated for this procedure) and the rest of the day was spent on the couch with a blanket over my eyes, trying to keep the light out and the complaints in.  the slog of cancer treatments and their side effects has become heavier and heavier on my shoulders, partly because i am getting older, but also because it seems there aren't too many people who understand the process. 

there were bright days, though, ones i held onto firmly in the moments of exhaustion.  jimnerd, colee, mom, dad and i went to state college.  together in the town for the first time ever, we had lunch at the allen street grill, beers at the skeller, and swore at the refs at pegula from seats definitely close enough for them to hear.  the entire day was a joy, there wasn't any stress and the only thing that would have made it better was ben, who might be able to sit through a game by next year. 

i finally went back to the gym, more for social reasons than the workouts, but movement is movement and my body needs to be battle-ready at the drop of a hat.  i also went back to physical therapy and am working to improve my balance.  pt is usually something people do and want to get finished with as soon as possible.  i do want results, but i appreciate the attitudes, outlooks, and senses of humor for the therapists there.  there's a lot more going on than just rehabilitating bones and muscles and nerves.  there's a sense of rehabilitation of the soul through humor, too.

the month finished with a snow storm and a much-needed visit to hang out with benjamin.  a hug from him is better therapy than anything else in the world, and i think the little man finally got my tired, bewildered mind refocused on what's really important and not dwelling on the bewildering mess of life.  for now i am gripping tightly to that string of wisdom. 

"worrying and anxiety lead to stress and stress causes suffering...we're busy spinning our best- and worst- case scenarios, rather than relaxing where we are," mipham writes.  february is the longest shortest month, and it is a scan month for me.  relax. where.  you.  are.  that is what i am thinking.  relax.  where.  you.  are.