sisyphus and his boulder

i was reminded today of the story of sisyphus.  it had been some time since i gave greek mythology more than a passing thought; it certainly wasn't interesting to me in school, and the only time i'm reminded of it is when attempting to solve crossword puzzles.

i have been challenged by my balance, or lack thereof, as a result of the different flavors of trauma my brain has endured over the past nearly three years.  the gamma knife treatment seemed to make it a more significant issue than it had been, but the side effects of whole brain radiation can play out over the course of years and it probably has something to do with my problem as well.  to combat the feeling that i'm stumbling, drunk and off-kilter, through life, i have been seeing a physical therapist and have diligently been retraining my brain in order to make the adjustments necessary for regaining some balance.  it is surprisingly exhausting work.  though i am allotted an hour's time for each session, my brain turns to complete mush after around 40-45 minutes and i am out of breath and ready to leave.

most of the exercises involve a combination of head or eye movements (or both at the same time), staying focused on one or a series of points while walking, marching, or heel-toe-ing down a straight line either forward or backward.  my line is not ever straight, and i have earned the nickname "the drunken bachelorette".   some days i feel as though i have made progress, only to feel slightly dejected two days later when i have seemingly regressed.  i appreciate the challenge and embrace just how hard i have to work for small gains.

today i worked with a different therapist and for much of the session we talked about a variety of topics. talking is a great distraction while trying to balance, so it helps raise the bar a bit as far as the therapy goes, and also, we are both a little chatty when we are up to it.  sisyphus somehow wound his way into our conversation.  as a refresher, one of the myths of sisyphus told how he was doomed to a life of rolling a boulder up a mountain, having that boulder roll back down the slope, and having to push it back up the hill.  over and over again.  no rest, no walking away.

lately, my cancer, its treatments, the constant schedule of doctor and specialist visits, scans, needle sticks and side effects have lead to me feeling like i am pushing a boulder up to the summit, only to have to start over again.  the balance work is no exception.  trying to accept it and continue to strive onward, regardless of setbacks takes fortitude on multiple levels.  it involves pushing my mind, body and soul as hard as i can, but at the same time being ever-aware of the benefits of rest and recovery.  these are lessons i am honored to have learned - and continue to do so.  it can be quite daunting at times, but heading back down the hill, i am always thinking of how amazing it feels when i finally reach the top with that boulder another time.