fight and find joy

the holidays have come and gone, for the most part.  my tree is still up and will be at least until the weekend.  these are busy days at work and it is nice to come home and turn on the lights and relax.  during the break i saw quite a few people i haven't seen in a while.  nearly every single person told me, "you look great" and proceeded to wonder, "how are you feeling?" and/or "how are you doing?"  it makes me happy to know i look good - one of my doctors once told me the "eye test" is the one that tells the most about a patient, no matter what the scans and blood tests are saying.  i usually tell people i am feeling well these days and i am lucky and enjoying feeling so good.  those things are true - i AM lucky, and i DO enjoy feeling well.  i don't take either of those fortunes for granted.  dig a little deeper, though, and i will be the first to admit i am tired.  tired from lingering effects of whole brain radiation, tired from waking up before the sun and heading to the gym, tired from staying up too late reading, tired because i typically can't fit a nap into my days.  but mostly, i'm tired of cancer.  it has been more than eight years now.  the beginning of february will mark seven years of constant treatment for my cancer or its complications.  apart from a week here and there in between cycles of avastin and alimta, there has been no vacation from this.  this adventure or journey, i call it.  this battle, this fight.  this job.  what have you done every week, every day, for seven years? 

every night before i go to bed i like to note the day's events, both good and bad, in my journal.  the thing(s) that made me most happy and those that made me most frustrated.  i close the book and the day is over.  i take six small, white pills and pick up whatever book i am reading (currently it is "damn few" as well as "mud season").  i make it ten or fifteen minutes before my eyelids get heavy and i turn out the light.  nearly every night, my sleep is sound.  many people take all sorts of medicines before they go to bed.  ones to dull an aching back or help a hurting heart, ones to help them sleep and others to alleviate symptoms of whatever sickness is going around.  some people know what it is like to take a medicine every day in order to stay alive, to beat back the thing, or things, that just might be trying to kill them.

this weekend the world, not just the sports world, lost an amazing soul.  a few years ago stuart scott spoke at a livestrong dinner my brother and i were lucky to attend.  up until that night, i had no idea he had been waging his own battle against cancer.  he battled on, for three and a half more years.  sometime in the past day or so i saw a photo of him wearing a t-shirt reading "everyday i fight".  every.  day.  i.  fight.  i'm sad stuart scott is gone.  i'm sad for his family, his daughters, and his coworkers.  i know some of them are much too familiar with the battles he fought and at the same time recognize the grace with which he lived his life.  it is hard, no matter who you are or what your fight is, and we get tired, but every day, we wake up and fight, and try - hopefully, with success - to find joy in all of it.