restraint

 

dialing things back is not something at which i excel.  i would venture to say it is something most people i know would have  hard time doing.  we have wired ourselves to be on nearly all the time - and the speed at which technology advances, making our lives "easier" to live ON at all times, is mind-numbing itself.  

i would say i have been aware of this fact for many years, but it became crystal clear to me when i began living with cancer, which is to say, the day i was diagnosed.  i have had varying degrees of success in trying to live within the moment, taking my days one at a time, and accepting the bad along with the good.  i know i do a better job with this when i take as few as ten minutes to sit quietly with the day as i start it - something easier said than done.  there is a reason it is called a "practice".  i've begun re-wiring my brain and made a commitment to quietly welcoming the day and all that comes with it.  in the past three weeks i have managed this four or five mornings a week.  i have been away quite a bit, which upsets the routine and changes the ebb and flow of the days.  that said, i have taken some beautiful walks, both here at home and at the beach, that have done well for my soul, i think.  when i take the time, i feel better through the day.  it is as simple as that.  

at the suggestion of both my medical team and my own body, i have been loosening the grip upon my workout routines - not stopping things completely, but being aware of my limits and resisting the urge for competition, even if it is only with myself.  being there and moving is important now, not pushing more or riding longer or doing more.  this relaxing of my mindset is no easy task.  my disease's effect upon my body and strength when it comes to exercise has not been easy to adjust to.  mentally it is extremely difficult, even eight years post-diagnosis.  so, that is where the quiet comes in.  

if i can become comfortable sitting with the quiet i can once again sit next to my demons and welcome them.  i don't have to like them, but they are there and it cannot be denied.  the limitations are just as much a part of my life as the good stuff.  i am fortunate; the good far outnumbers the bad.  and each day holds the potential for more good.