something old, something new

there's a lot and nothing going on at the same time.  the biggest, loveliest, best going-on has been the birth and first couple of weeks of my nephew, benjamin kenneth, benken, if you will, and his reign over this family.  i say that because he alone possesses the majority of the thoughts we have each day.  even dad would say things like, "benny will like this boat..." or "benny will fish here".  i had the luxury of enjoying his first week here, dutifully scrubbing my hands and arms, cleaning out under my fingernails, to hold his tiny hand in the nicu.  i didn't get to hold him before i left, but good things come to those who wait.  i did get to know him well enough in that first millisecond to know i think he is the most amazing person already.  i am smitten.  and we are so lucky because mommy is doing so well, benny is doing what he's supposed to and even surprising each of us who are around him from time to time.  today he laughed just as his daddy cracked a joke.  it was perfect.  he was sound asleep, laughing.  i had no idea babies did that.  so yes, there is little going on but the big going on is enough.

my time at the lake, something i so look forward to each year, since i am fairly certain time there recharges my soul and prepares me for heading back to the real world, was what i needed.  the weather was mainly beautiful - highs in the low 70's, a breeze off the lake, and cool nights.  there was a rainy, cloudy, dreary day, which gave me good reason to plow through about 200 pages of my book, but it also drove home the feelings of doubt and anxiety regarding my most recently surfaced symptom, one the professionals are not so sure about.  i get a "buzzing" sensation in my lower back when i flex my neck to my chest; it doesn't happen every time, but it happens enough to have my attention.  pinched nerve?  spine tumor?  something better?  something worse?  i am sure those questions and more will be answered soon enough, but that one rainy day i wallowed in doubt and fear for more minutes than truly deserve it.  i don't think it was only about the back issues, it was about everything the past seven months has held and even the past seven years.  from time to time i just have to get it off my chest so i can move forward.  it was just one of those days.  the next day was the most beautiful of the week and it was a great one, one i didn't want to end.  the best part?  a boat ride around the entire lake, freezing in the wind going north and warming in the sun going south.  seeing loons and eagles.  smelling the lake smell.  all these wonderful things to enjoy.

who knows what this week will hold other than a certain return to work and the routine that goes with it.  i'll call the doctors and find out what i should do about this thing that's going on and i'll go get a scan or two or we'll wait another week or who knows what.  i'll ooh and ahh at photos and videos of benken that jimnerd sends.  i'll take an evening nap or two.

the cabin and my nephew.  something old and something new.  both make my heart whole.  isn't that so good?