the milestones

a nurse visited me this week and reminded me i'd only just arrived at the first of the post-surgical milestones.  in this case, it was week two.  then come four and six.  in between, my body is trying to get itself back together, and i have to give it time.  i know she is right, and she had some other things to say i needed to hear (like the gummy probiotics are delicious, which they are, and they make supplements for good hair growth, which i might ask my docs about, because i am VERY worried about my hair and the fact i might not ever see it again).  but when i think about the time i have spent in the past week or so, i am amazed at how readily i adapted to doing nothing again, and also at how very badly i want normal again - the normal of just three weeks ago, not six months - that's beyond hoping for.

i don't like the fact i have to go in for a scan next week.  i have no reason to believe anything is wrong in my chest, but the suddenness with which the brain met showed up in my life has left me back at square one from three-plus years ago.  i am constantly telling myself it is okay.  i remind myself of what it was like when i had tumors in my chest, what it felt like, what my breathing was like, what i felt like.  i have none of those symptoms now.  i am tired from surgery.  repeat repeat repeat.

many of the things that bring me solace are on hold right now - running, biking, yoga, working out.  so in the meantime i'm looking for it in other places, sitting and enjoying the sun a little, reading, listening to music.  they aren't my standard go-to but they are helping a bit.  next week, with all its scans, tests, and appointments, marks the half-way point in this most recent adventure.  i keep telling myself i get a break after this.  i'd hate to let myself down.