commitment

those of you who know me best know one of the things i struggle with is commitment.  not to short-term things, not to people, not to activities on this page of the calendar.  no, i am talking about long-term, serious, i-am-going-to-be-here-so-i-am-going-to-do-it commitment.  after my adventure with pneumonia this summer and the subsequent cancellation of two very important events that had been on my calendar longer than a year, i could feel myself retreating into the turtle shell on my back; i sensed the recoiling as a very real feeling of near terror mixed with sadness whenever someone brought up something to do or see more than a couple of weeks away.  it is a real feeling of dismissal.  i had it during my first two years or so of my life with cancer.  then, amazingly, i was able to shake it.  or at least ignore it.  let what happens happen!  to hell with you cancer, i'm making plans.  i'm committing.  take that.

so it has been a while.  i stuck my toe in the pool, felt the water a bit, and booked a non-refundable flight to siesta key for thanksgiving.  three months away at the time, it seemed to be a lifetime.  plane tickets, i told myself, are merely subject to change fees.  if i have to change it, i will.  i also bought tickets to next weekend's penn state game.  not only would i have to survive three weeks, the nitts would have to be able to salvage their season.  at least i am not the only one looking ahead with some trepidation.  the game is the day after i get the results of next week's CT scan.  my first since the pneumonia recovery.  my first since that damned bronchoscopy, the one that didn't confirm anything regarding the spots in my lung in the first place.  i'll go to the game no matter what.  i've gotten bad news before.  there won't be anything to do one day afterward.  and maybe it will be good news.

so today i made the largest commitment i've made in a long time.  i signed up for a one-year membership to crossfit west chester.  my hand was shaking as i initialed the section that said something about cancelling the membership prior to the one-year mark.  luckily there is a medical leave option - all i need is a note from my doctor.  (which one, i half-jokingly asked)  each month on the 15th money will leave my checking account and go toward another month of taking care of myself.  i'd like to think i'll be able to make the most of the coming year, to go three times a week every week i am home.  i'd like to think there won't be a repeat of the time spent in the prison - er, hospital, no re-do on losing all my strength and it taking all i can muster just to get out of bed.

i've come really far in a few short months, and i am sure the fact i'd been there before helped me greatly.  the hurdles of this summer seemed larger than ones before, but with some strong thinking (i'd guess at least 80% of the recovery was mental) i've gotten my feet back under me.  the physical feeling of fear when looking ahead on the calendar shakes me every time but once again i see i can do it.  i still end most sentences  in my mind about the future with "we'll see what the scan says" or "we'll see what is going on in there".  but there we have it, one year of commitment. 

i'll tell you about crossfit another day.  it is very nearly the toughest thing i've ever done.  and i've done some tough stuff.