mid-july

wow.  for the past few weeks i have felt like my wheels were stuck in the sand.  two steps forward, one step back.  it turns out, all you need to do it let some air out and they float right up to the top when you hit the gas.  so, i've tried to do that.  there aren't too many things on my to-do list, and i've stopped worrying about the timetable i'd constructed for all the goals i have for myself.  the running, the bike riding, the swimming will all come with time.  i'm looking for the small successes and celebrating them quietly.  the big successes will be coming in time.

today i got the stamp of approval from the infectious disease docs - they don't need to see me again, unless i need to see them.  it seems the infection was handled by the antibiotics and my immune system and it doesn't seem to be acting up anymore.  the fatigue is a side effect of the entire experience and might plague me for a while longer.  my stomach should return to normal within the coming month.  i coughed before the pneumonia and i'll keep coughing now.  the reasons are numerous and tough to pinpoint. 

now, i need to go back to dealing with my other problem.  i had a CT scan today and tomorrow will get the results and learn whether the cancer has been spreading in the past two months while i was busy partying down with pneumonia.  it is going to be tough to see much progress within the lung because a war was waged there very recently.  and it was a messy one.  but the rest of my chest will be a readable space and i am hopeful maybe the cancer took a vacation.  but i know better than to count it out.

but enough of that.

here's a story a friend suggested i relate to you.  before i forget.

so.  the first night i was in the hospital i had a room to myself for about three or four hours.  around nine or ten there was some activity on the other side of my room (i was near the window, thank goodness).  damn.  i was getting a roommate.  a nurse helped get her settled into her side of the room.  the curtain dividing us was pulled closed, but i could tell there was someone with her, and eventually i realized it was a mother and a daughter, and the daughter planned on spending the night in the recliner next to the bed.  that is a devoted daughter. 

the nurse who was helping them had earlier placed my IV - my nurse had actually waited for her to come on service because she was so good at placing IVs.  she had done a bang-up job, hitting a good vein in my bicep.  she only had to stick me once, and soon enough the fluids and drugs were running through it and i was immensely thankful to her for saving me a ton of grief when i already had enough on my plate.  however, the person on the other side of the curtain had no thanks for her nurse.  she was short and terse.  i was a little afraid, because she was being so mean.

eventually nature called, and i had to venture across the room, IV tree in tow, to use the facilities.  i tried not to impose upon their privacy, but that's impossible in a hospital room.  their TV was on and they were watching late night reruns.  i was annoyed by it.  but, i have to say, the TV never went off the rest of the time i was living in that room, so i eventually got used to it.  but at that moment, near midnight on the night i learned i had a massive infection, i wanted to throw it out the window.  as i walked back to my own side of the room, i said hello and she told me the same, i told her i was liz, and she told me i could call her cookie.  ha.  cookie.  tough cookie.  huh.

i tried to sleep. 

at some point, i must have become the annoying roommate, because alarms were going off due to my low blood pressure.  they were turned off, they went off again, they were turned off, then my IV started beeping, then the doctor had to come in and talk to me - it was not a restful night.  somehow, though, i fell asleep.

around five in the morning the phlebotomist came in to draw what seemed to be a gallon of blood for about a hundred blood tests.  bright fluorescent lights went on, i had no idea where i was (i was sure it was my worst nightmare) and i figured it all out.  then it was cookie's turn.  and that's when the craziness started.  she started giving that person hell.  the sun was rising and it was actually a beautiful morning out my window.  i dozed a bit.  nurses came and went.  i realized they were withholding liquids and food from cookie.  well, she didn't like that.

soon a family member was on the phone.  "BRING ME SOME OF THAT MCDONALDS SWEET TEA... AND BRING ME MY COCOA BUTTER.".  oh dear.   "THEY AREN'T FEEDING ME.  AND THEY WON'T LET ME DRINK.  MY THROAT HURTS AND I CAN'T DRINK".  guess who actually felt bad when the hospital breakfast arrived for her?  me.  and it was gross.  gross.  gross.  every nurse that came in the room, "WHY WON'T Y'ALL LET ME DRINK?  CAN'T I HAVE A SMALL SIP OF SOMETHING?  WHY NOT? CAN I HAVE SOME DILAUDED?   I HAVE A HEADACHE".  dilaudid for a headache?  that's what i took after my lung surgery.  huh.

the day went on, a gross lunch arrived for me.  i probably cried when i saw it.  my nurse promised i might get some peace and quiet when my roommate left for the imaging study the food and drink were being withheld for.  and i did!

and then she came back.  and then she could eat.

and then her family arrived.  six grown children, three grandchildren below the age of three.  don't get me wrong.  i was very happy for her she had so much family and they all got together to come visit her and spend time with her.

but at the time, i had a 103 fever and had the chills, and thought i was never getting better with such a racket in the room.  i was crying, silently.  it was terrible.

and then it got worse.

there was a smell.

and eating noises.  i HATE eating noises.

and strange other noises, like the food was being disassembled.

BECAUSE THEY WERE CRACKING CRABS FOR DINNER.  i shit you not.  EATING CRABS IN THE HOSPITAL.

are you KIDDING ME?

i had walked to the bathroom, because at this point, i was peeing every five minutes, ok, fifteen, but that is not an exaggeration.  fifteen minutes.  you try that.  so imagine how much fluid they were filling me with  - to keep my blood pressure up.  so i had to run the gauntlet, trailing the IV tree behind me, and when i saw what the hell was going on over there, i almost DIED.  right there.  i would have fallen on one of them.

my miserable dinner arrived and i actually ate it - spaghetti and meatballs, the first food i'd eaten in about a week.  but i was spent, exhausted.  what would the evening hold?  more of the same.  tomorrow?

CHINESE FOOD FOR DINNER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN.

me, a 103 fever.

i think that's when mom offered to pay cash for a room to myself.  if that's not love, i don't know what is.