hard to believe

i'm on the couch, watching a replay of today's tour stage. i was on the road at 6:30 this morning and put in 50 miles on the bike. along the way i saw a buck, new antlers atop his head, cross the road in front of me, two fawns with spots running along side of me through a field, and on two separate occasions big dairy cows startled me as they lay within three feet of the side of the road. i felt like the only rider on the road for the first three-quarters of my ride, but as i returned toward west chester i began to see more and more riders. three of them passed me - one a seemingly fit guy powering along a flat, sunny stretch of road and the other a couple out for a ride together. she had a mirror on her handlebars. this infuriated me, being passed by them.

nearly five years have passed since i was diagnosed with cancer and along the way i have fared very well so far. many times, i turned inside myself to use my competitive nature to benefit me as i dealt with chemo side effects, and once i had my surgery it is what got me back on my bike. but it is still there inside me, and when i am feeling well as i have been lately, it still makes me want to scream "i only have one and one-third lung! that's the only reason you passed me!" alas, i don't.

today, i used the couple as my carrot, driving me on for about seven miles of mainly flat roads. i caught them just at the end, and of course i had used myself up prior to a longer stretch of uphill riding. i shifted into an easier gear and worked my way up. and as i navigated the thoughts in my head, i remembered that tomorrow is CT scan day. and i really think it sucks. not many people i know, healthy ones, can ride a bike 50 miles on a sunday morning. i have been feeling so great on the bike lately. and there is this hiccup, this glaring reminder of what i have had in the back of my head, or otherwise, for the past five years. i am not out of the woods. i have to get in my car and go to the hospital and have images of my insides made; and who knows what they will show. i'd like to believe i will be fine this time, because of how well i am feeling. but the optimism is guarded.

but. as i crested the hill, pedaled down the other side, and made a turn onto a quiet gravel road, i had to concentrate on the matter at hand. the road had been oiled recently and it changed the surface from one with a nice bare spot to ride along to one pock-marked by loose rocks and sand. i got through the section and i had forgotten about tomorrow's adventure. the wind was at my back, the trees were providing dense shade, and i was into the final stretch. even well into the ride i was feeling strong today. i hope it bodes well for tomorrow.