this is where i am

today was a perfect day for an outside lunch. i called home to see what mom and dad were up to and, being semi-to-mostly retired, they were up to yard work and puttering. perfect. i could have lunch with them on their beautiful patio in the backyard. and i could give the gorilla dog a good pet before i take off for california tomorrow. i'd stop at the post office on the way, and that would be one more thing crossed off today's list.

i got in the car and then i remembered. i had left my sunglasses on my seat when i arrived to work this morning. something had told me not to leave them there, to put them on the passenger seat, but really, i had argued with myself, when was the last time you sat on a pair of sunglasses? never. until today. i didn't even feel them, but i had a sinking feeling when i reached to the passenger seat, the usual place i leave them when getting to work, and they weren't there. i pulled them out from under me and they were mangled. my first-ever pair of really expensive, nice, not-sporty sunglasses, bent every which way but the right way. i bet ray ban, whomever he was, never sat on his sunglasses. otherwise he wouldn't have designed them with such flimsy wire frames. ha!

if this had happened a year ago, i would have probably hit the steering wheel as i swore. i might have even cried out of frustration. that's where i was then. today, it isn't stretching it to say i laughed. i didn't get angry, i just wanted to try my hand at bending them back. amazingly, i was able to wait until after the post office to do so. typically i want to dive right in and take care of it now.

maybe it is just the gorgeous weather and the sense that i have accomplished a lot in the past couple of days, but moreso i attribute things to my meditation and mindfulness practice; i've been making a concerted effort to meditate each day since late july of last year. some days i can have a sit for thirty minutes in the morning. other days i can do it again in the evening. it is different than getting on the bike or going for a run; when i am doing those things i am usually talking to myself about things i need to do, things i want to do, and how i am feeling. when i'm meditating, i am not thinking about anything. as skeptical as i was at first, i really can have a thought come into my head and i can label it and move it out - picture the finger sliding something off the ipad screen. there you have it. i can take a deep breath at times throughout the day and it is like hitting the reset button. some days are better than others. some days i can't do it at all. but i do think all that practice has been paying off.

i do think it is helping me be more present in each day; i don't spend time worrying about my health right now. i think about it twice a day, at least, when i take my pills, but really, i am not worrying like i had been. it is not as simple as saying "what will be will be" but i can manage it to the point where i am only worrying at appropriate times, and even then i haven't been able to convince myself lately that anything is wrong. maybe i'll be able to tell when it is wrong again, but maybe not. but i am glad to have six weeks largely free from trepidation.

spring is beautiful here, and right now i am happy being here, glad i am here over anywhere else. i know i am lucky to feel that way, and i know there's always going to be low points, too. but the sun will still shine when things are down, and i'll be there, looking through my crooked sunglasses.