without

a speed bump. a hiccup. a short red light. a pit stop. that's all today was.

my white blood cell count is low and i today when i left the hospital i went empty-handed for the first time since april. no drug. no comforting rattle of pills in plastic bottles.

you know it feels dire when i offer to have my blood drawn a second time, and yes, i really do prefer being stuck in a vein over a finger stick. anything to get my criz. but it didn't work out. the anc went from 920 to 930 and i was still 70 points short of the cutoff for continuing the drug.

i'm certain that on monday when i return to the hospital my count will be back up above 1,000. as certain as i can be. the funny thing is, when it comes to your immune system and your white blood cells, there just isn't anything you can do to force your body to make more. no food will do it, maybe rest will help, but really, it is a study in being out of control. you'd think i would be used to this.

but maily i'm just pissed off.

today i had one of those days when i wonder why the hell i've been singled out as someone who has to work so fucking hard to be alive. i do not want to be taken the wrong way - i am grateful for this incredible chance, and my repeated chances, at feeling good and i know i have an amazing life that many people would gladly trade for. but the cancer, the cancer. no matter how upbeat i am, no matter how healthy i look, no matter how healthy i feel, it is always there, looming somewhere nearby. i've been really lucky to have nine months of pretty clean living. but at the end of the day, when something like this pops up, it is a slap in the face. cancer. cancer. cancer.

i feel too good to be sick, so i am betting the criz is just having some unexpected effect on me because that is just how special i am. i'll relish sleeping in and not having to wake up just to take my drugs this weekend. i should have asked if this would be a good time to drink a bottle of wine.