strive on, untiringly

for one week now, i have been making an effort to be completely aware of the moment when my feet first hit the floor in the morning; all at once i note whether i am inhaling or exhaling, i feel the sensation of the cool air on my skin, i welcome the softness of the carpet under my feet, and i leave the warm sleep behind in my bed as i begin the day. there have been a few mornings when i completely lacked motivation for getting out of bed, but there have been a few mornings i've actually heard the alarm go off and looked forward to this new routine.

fall used to be my favorite season. i love the crisp, cool air, giving me reason to wear wool sweaters and jeans. i love the beautiful leaves as they frame the brandywine on my drive to work or a morning bike ride. i love how the soybean fields turn from brilliant yellow to brown. i love college football.

the short days, the lack of sunlight in the mornings and evenings when i am not at work, has affected me on a more substantial level in the past few years. i sense the coming winter and turn to hibernation instincts i never knew i had. i do want to burrow under the covers in the mornings, at least until the sun comes out and i don't need the artificial lights in the kitchen for breakfast. i want to go to bed early. i feel like doing less because there is just so much less daylight.

i struggled greatly with all of this last year. fall rolled around and i let it roll over me; my quiet reflection that has become such a habit this time of year - we are nearing the day that marks four years - lingered into the holidays and then closed around me during the winter, as i was pummeled by yet more changing news. this year, i am feeling great. i have enjoyed a summer full of activity, travel, long days uninterrupted by naps and sickness, and i do not want to give any of this up. the past month has introduced me to new levels of sorrow and unsettledness, though at the same time i made new friends and got a lot of fresh air. in trying to wrap my head around all of it, i needed to figure out a way to remind myself to go one day at a time.

so, i wake up each morning, put my feet firmly upon the floor, take a deep breath, and start the day gently. the process has helped so far. the leaves are still on the trees but i am feeling more optimistic than i was at this time last year. i can't control it, but i'll enjoy it as long as i have it.