thank you for understanding

sometimes life is a bit like this sign i saw while in kyoto. you have no idea what it says but you know exactly what it means. or maybe you don't.

i have been feeling really well lately. i've been sleeping for eight hours a night, not needing more sleep. i've been running, riding, or doing yoga five or six days out of the week. i'm happy to take the time off, but i almost don't have to. i'm taking the time to give my legs a break, not necessarily my body. i'm hungry and would eat all day if i could. i'm happy.

looking at me, seeing me these days, the positives listed above are fairly apparent. i can feel it even in my desire to interact with other people. when i'm not feeling well i'm more likely to want to be alone, more likely to hide from contact. i seem to be the picture of health.

but what the signs don't show are the effects of what i have been through so far and the toll this new drug might be taking on my body. my white cell count, important for my immune system, remains low, possibly permanently now, because of all the chemotherapy and radiation i've been bombarded with. on friday the results of my bloodwork showed i have low albumin levels, a protein produced by the liver that helps transport nutrients in the blood plasma. what's going on with my liver?

even i almost forget, every once in a while, just what i am trying to do every single day - survive, and in doing so, outsmart a pretty vicious pest. almost everything out there on the surface screams normalcy. the things i can't see also contribute to this new and ever-changing version of normal. it all makes perfect sense.

of course i understand.