new lessons

the pieces are beginning to fall into place. over the course of the past six weeks my cancer didn't really get any better, but it didn't really get any worse. the drugs i was on stole what i estimate to be about fourteen days from me. a cold took about six. so, i spent about half the time feeling rather crummy or sitting in a hospital. it is quite a feat to bat .500 if you play baseball. it is another thing entirely when you only get to feel healthy 50% of the time. my spirits have been on a wild roller coaster ride, ranging from feeling like i need to plan my funeral (i didn't) to feeling like i needed to go on a retail binge (i did) to feeling just fine with everything as it was. i kind of felt like the frustrated card player who throws her cards up in the air and as they fall to the ground around her, gets up and walks away from the table.

so now things are in motion to get a sexy new drug into my hot little hands. it is aimed specifically at lung cancer, and even more specifically, at my lung cancer. my pesky tumor happens to have a mutation (i know, a mutation has a mutation, this is getting deep) that makes me a great candidate for this drug that has had some great effects in annihilating lung cancer like mine. it might not work for me, but the bigger, better option is, it just might work for me.

i have to go to boston, to massachusetts general hospital, meet with a new doctor and new nurses, learn about the drug and learn about the clinical trial this is all part of. they'll look at my scans and tumors and at me and then they'll relay all this info to the drug company, and if all goes perfectly, i'll get to take the drug. it is a pill, and i'd be taking it daily, and every couple of weeks i have to go back to boston for check ups and to get more of the candy. some of it is daunting - lots of travel and hotel time to be paid out of my own pocket. i love boston but i'd rather be buying plane tickets elsewhere. the doctors visits will also come out of my savings account, something i had been planning for, just in case, but now that i am faced with not being covered to see a doctor i NEED to see, i'm feeling a little pissed and a little hurt and a lot scared. the good news is i'm feeling optimistic all of this will work out for the best. beat back my cancer. that is the most important thing to do. because right now, it is just sitting there, inside me, doing its thing and making me a little nervous.

nothing is guaranteed - and i know a lot about that phrase. i am not definitely going to be ok'd to receive the drug. but i am hopeful. there are quite a few moving parts but i feel like i have all the important players on my side, for now.

ps. one week until tropical paridise. look out.