piling high and deep

snow is piling up everywhere around the house today. on the back patio, the chairs and table are covered. you can't tell where the chairs end and the table begins. my car looks more like a mini van than a subaru. the bushes outside the front of the house have all but disappeared. so has the mailbox. the gorilla was unsure of how to handle it this morning, as we opened the door and the snow came into the kitchen. she, like the birds at the feeders, dove right in.

it is nice to sit and watch the snow fall today. yesterday was full of anticipation, and i could have used the entertainment of watching the flakes, because there was little else i could do all day. with the cancer back, the drugs have been altered, and the side effects are different. not unmanageable, but different, and yesterday i was reminded of all the bad things about chemo, once again. by this morning my back hurt from lying around so much.

i have to remind myself that it is the chemo making me feel sick, not the actual cancer. a week ago i didn't think i had cancer. i couldn't tell, that's for sure. well, now i know it is back and now that the chemo is loosening its hold i'm reminded that i'm still in one piece, still in pretty good shape. my spirits are good. surprisingly, i am not devestated by the news. i guess i always knew i'd one day find out it had returned. and i've looked at all the givens and the information i have at my ready, and things are not bad. they just aren't good. today, i'm seeing the biggest bummer as being having to go to the hospital again next week, and only getting one week off instead of two. that's a royal pain. and i'm not looking forward to it. and i hope one drug isn't as bad, side effect-wise, as three. because i don't want to spend my time feeling like i did on thursday and friday. it is a big waste of time.

i'm going to puerto rico in march. i could call off the vacation, but i've decided not to. whatever happens with these drugs, with the tumor testing, i'm going to want some sun and warmth and a break. i've been looking foward to it for months. even if i have to pack a personal nurse on the plane with me and spend vacation drinking gatorade and eating saltines, i am going. i won't eat raw fish and i'll steer clear of sick people. but i cannot bring myself to call it off. in fact, part of me thinks i should be going on more vacations.

so, today, i'm enjoying looking at the snow, hoping my cancer cells are dying, and looking forward to a warm vacation in a month. things aren't so bad, really.