#340: 45 and counting...

elk neck state park, maryland

what a perfect day.

storm troopers were on the loose at the wachovia center.

this one is for jimnerd. go flyers.

do or do not. there is no try.

who loves I-95? i do! i do!

the christmas cactus is in full bloom.

today marked maintenance chemo treatment number twenty-four. it brings my total chemo treatments to forty-five. it also marked scan number eight since beginning maintenance therapy. it was a CT scan. my doctor took a preliminary look at it and told me she didn't see anything new. it would be fine to have more chemo. it would also be fine to take a couple weeks' break. i decided to go ahead with the chemo. i am hoping to fit a couple of weeks of extra time in with the next couple of treatments during the holidays. that will be my gift to myself. a couple of extra chemo-free weeks so i can ski or open presents or sit in front of the tree or be with my friends and stay up as late as i want. as the last drops of my chemo entered my tired veins one of the nurses told me my nurse practitioner was on the phone and she was going to put the call through to my room. i was hit by the sudden warmth of panic and fear. i'd never had a phone call in the chemo room. but, it was good news. the official radiologist's report told us there is nothing new in my chest. happy thanksgiving to me. happy thanksgiving to my army at the hospital. we are all happy about the news. we work hard and it is well-deserved.

the past three weeks have been somewhat quiet ones. well, in retrospect i am calling them quiet. they were a combination of hectic, stressful, somewhat unhealthy, and cramped. i fought a cold for about two and a half weeks. it has settled into my chest and leaves me coughing like a fool. cough medicines are pretty much lost on me at this point. the ones with codeine weren't on the list to begin with; they make me throw up, fairly violently. one by one the others, robutussin varieties, delsyum, they've all started to make my stomach upset when i take them. i think tonight it is time to try out hot tea and honey, and i might leave a thermos of it next to my bed so i don't have to get up in the cold in the middle of the night to make a new cup. that is a great idea, and i just had it right here. you're witness to history.

work was busy but this is the most exciting time of the year, getting everything ready to go out on the road and sell next fall's wares. i miss being out and about, seeing customers and showing the line. but my experience in returning to work has shown me that the days just tire me out beyond belief. a day spent showing the line can leave me in the gutter for three days just trying to get back on top of rest, let alone all the other things that come with everyday life. it is one of the times when i am reminded about the physical toll all the treatments and surgeries have left upon my body.

with long days at work, plus the cold, i mainly come home to rest at night. there hasn't been much going on in the way of excitement as far as travels or evenings out. i did get to see monster of folk at the academy of music one night last week and once again was happy to see conor oberst live, along with the other members of the group. they really did some amazing work on the guitars. and the venue, which i haven't seen before, is really pretty phenomenal to see in person. on sunday we took advantage of the incredible weather and went for a moto ride down to where the susquehanna meets the chesapeake. it was so warm we didn't need to dress in too many layers and we saw lots of other motorcycles while we were out. the roads were windy and hilly and really fun - i am pretty sure every ride on the back of the bike will leave me wishing i had my own ride. we rounded out the day with a trip to see star wars in concert - a live symphony orchestra playing with scenes from the movies in the background. it is narrated by the actor who played C3PO and it was a total dork fest. i loved it. i had my photo taken with a storm trooper and something deep within me, ingrained since childhood, rose to the surface, and i was terrified to stand next to him. i am pretty sure i would have started crying to stand next to darth vader and listen to his breathing. that is because dad used to tuck me into bed at night pretending he was darth vader. i don't think i was scared then, but who knew what was being filed away in my memories at three or four years old!

this time of year is my favorite time of year. i love the blue sky and the crisp air. i love the food. i love seeing friends and family. even though it can be busy at times it never bothers me. i try to look away from all the commercialization - you won't find me in target or walmart or a mall anytime soon - my goal is to buy from local stores this year and to enjoy the journey to find surprise gifts for everyone. i love the lights that start showing up after thanksgiving and i love singing christmas carols in the car. i think i was this way before being sick, but each set of holidays seems like a huge gift to me because three years ago on thanksgiving i sat at my table with family around me and i wondered whether i would get to have any more holidays. no one is ever guaranteed anything. no one's scan is promised to be clear or show no sign of change. but when our bodies allow it, and circumstances allow for another go round, it is fantastic. this isn't lost on me, and it never will be. more than any other time of the year, winter's arrival and the spirit, no matter what religion you subscribe to or don't, is what we should embrace all year. i'm looking forward to coming weeks. i hope you are, too.