constant motion

despite having chemo not even two weeks ago, i feel as though life has been moving at an incredible pace lately. somehow my days have been full - either with fun or work or some combination of the two. this week will be no different. i'll be flying to california on wednesday (work) and from there, flying to austin, tx on friday (fun). i'll be riding my bike in the livestrong challenge next sunday, the day after my three-year anniversary since my diagnosis. i think it will be a poignant way to celebrate the day. i do celebrate it, afterall. if they hadn't found the cancer, i would most certainly not be here doing all these things right now.

the real thing i sat down to type about (well, what i had written in my head while driving home from rotten's cx race) is what i've been learning in the past month or so. two months ago i decided it was time to add another weapon to my anti-cancer arsenal. i share this with you because i've shared so much else here in writing. it is just as much a part of my treatment as the chemo. i started meeting with a social worker who has specialized in helping support cancer patients and their loved ones. honestly, it is something i have been putting off for a very long time. finally, however, my fears about the future and my disease convinced me i needed to talk about my experience with someone other than my family and friends, because, quite frankly, i needed to talk about some things they just don't want to hear about (getting sicker, dying, complaints) and i needed to hear something other than rote support in response to my fears. it seems strange, perhaps, but these topics aren't the most uplifting to discuss, and amazingly, i don't really know anyone who has dealt personally with them first-hand.

at around the same time, i also began a mindfulness based stress reduction class that also includes art therapy. it is for cancer patients only, and it is a safe, comfortable place to go to learn about dealing with stress (not just cancer-caused stress) and to seek some tools to add to the toolbox in dealing with the everyday reality of living with cancer, which is what i am doing each and every day.

the combined result, thus far, of the two additions to my life has been positive. i've learned the important lesson that i am allowed to grieve for the lost parts of my life - physically, emotionally - but that i must only allow myself to do it for a bit at a time. i've lost quite a bit and put big plans on hold indefinitely. these are not things we're necessarily trained to do at this point in life, if ever. it is alright to be sad from time to time. i am lucky because i have so many other things keeping me happy and content with my life.

i've learned that most people, when faced with adversity, will react in a similar way to additional instances of adversity. i have handled the diagnosis and subsequent treatments well thus far. there is no reason to believe my general calm will fail me if/when things head downhill once again. when i take a deep breath and look at myself from a distance, i know this is true. i just needed someone who didn't really know me to tell me this. it helps me trust myself a bit more.

so as the days unfold and close at a pace that sometimes bewilders me, i have learned to make the effort to take even more deep breaths. it isn't easy but it is a form of training that will prove beneficial, just like running or riding the bike. it will pay off.