where did my writing go?

here it is, 9pm, and the dog is fast asleep at my bedside. today was a long day, but not a particularly emotionally taxing one. yesterday's trip to the hospital, after a welcome four-week hiatus, went smoothly for a change and we were in and out of there in just three hours. we went to lunch afterward and i was able to come home, check some email, and take a nap. we picked up take-out for dinner and following the meal we watched about half of "benjamin button". i like the theme of the movie so far, which has touched ever so slightly upon the fact that benjamin, as he grows younger, so to speak, is watching the people around him die sooner. it is a strange paradox.

i've learned a bit about myself in past days, from a couple of different people, and it has left me feeling a bit more settled with life, or at least the way i look at mine now that it is different than the one i had imagined for myself. i tend to look for forward progress as a sign of my life continuing unabated by the cancer, when in reality, sometimes i need to look at the sideways movement, the small shifts and sidesteps, as my own sort of progress. i have a set of givens to work with, and at times, they make me feel like i am trapped, like i am stuck here in some sort of cancer purgatory. as much as i cram into my days and weeks, there is the underlying fact that my progress over the past three years has been meaured in breaths taken, my movement has ebbed and flowed from bed-bound to exceeding expectations on foot and bike. i am indeed limited by my energy, and i should know and expect by now that when i become overtired, only bad things seem to happen to me. i fear being weak. but maybe i need to see myself as vulnerable, instead, and i need to take care of myself. i am a much stronger person than i ever imagined i could have been in facing my cancer and the life it has left me with. even at my most vulnerable, even when i am feeling my weakest (the terminology i need to shift), i am stronger than anyone can imagine. and that, i think, is the most important thing, and no one can take that away from me.

i have a full time job on top of everything else that comes with life, and that job is to live my life with cancer. i am on the drugs not because i want to be but because i need to be. just because i have no evidence of disease does not mean it is gone from my body. i must work to keep it at bay, just as i work to manage the myriad feelings that come along each day - watching the people around me live their normal lives, being sure to take a moment to be proud of myself each day, being thankful for the people (and animal) around me that look out for me each day. it is like i am the project manager for this crazy life and all the juggling that goes with it. i observe and learn and grow, but i need to accept that sometimes i just need some rest and have to have faith that my corner of the world will continue functioning ok without me for a stretch. i feel such stress and a need to make sure everyone is ok. i need to take care of me sometimes, too.

so for the next couple of days i will take care of me. i'll get some sun, eat some food, take a walk, and take lots of naps. i am fighting for my life, you know. it is tough work. i want to be around, so to speak, to see the benjamins of the world grow young for years to come.