waiting...

the trip to the hospital this morning was uneventful and unexciting. as i drove over the bridge toward the city i noted the haze obscuring the skyline and wondered whether the air conditioner was a better option than open windows. i still get a kick out of feeling the wind in my hair, though, so i left the windows open and subjected my lungs to the filth of urban settlement. i like driving to the hospital in the summer; without the school buses patrolling like sharks traffic moves much faster the entire route and with people on vacation volume is light. somehow, though, every parking spot on the first level was taken. just a reminder that summer goes on, day by day, even though plenty of people are stuck going to the hospital.

a man in the waiting area was on the phone, arguing with his insurance company over an x-ray precertification. most people who have been in the business of dealing with hospitals, scans, and insurance know that most procedures need to be precertified. i am lucky; my doctors' offices all do all the work for me, and a couple of days after i make the appointment for a special scan or surgery i receive a letter in the mail from my insurer, telling me i have been approved for said procedure. well, in this guy's case, his doctor must not have done it -or, it could have fallen through the cracks - and he was left haggling for a $150 image. the drive had been two hours over bumpy roads and he has a neck injury and three months ago they allowed a $40k surgery so why not a $150 x-ray now? on and on. i felt like smacking him and saying, hey, buddy, why not just pay for the exam and haggle later? or how about i pay so i don't have to freaking listen to you. my co-pay is $80 so i am almost there anyway... eventually he got on the phone with the supervisor's supervisor and two seconds later he was whisked away for his x-ray. lesson here: be persistent. another lesson: do it in private, not the middle of the waiting room. all of us have fought that battle before or will do so soon. we don't want to hear your experience.

after that little interlude, i, too, was whisked away for my scan. i speed things up by avoiding an underwire bra, and therefore i don't have to change into a ridiculous gown. i had to wear one every day for radiation and imgine one day i'll end up in one again so in the meantime i like to keep out of them. i went into the room with the CT machine and a nice nurse helped me onto the table and covered me with a blanket. they keep those rooms so cold for their precious machines. try finding a vein in a freezing skinny girl. good luck. he found the biggie, right down the center of my left elbow, and he went to work getting the IV in there. what few points he had won by being so nice were quickly whittled away by his IV technique. i felt every jolt and jostle as a shooting pain up my arm. i clenched my teeth and my fists and tried not to cry. finally it was in and all set to go. we did the initial scan, then he came back in to inject the contrast medium, and he held the IV as it went in and squeezed it, thus hurting more. i'll have a giant freaking bruise tomorrow to go along with my anxiety and fears about the results. great. thanks.

so, i'll get my results tomorrow morning. in the meantime i am going to head home and watch the team time trial. i tend to hate the waiting but there is also an enormous sense of relief as i listen to the CT scanner slowing down the spinning when the scan is finished. as i slide out of the machine i am hyper-aware of the fact there is nothing i can do in the next 24 hours to change the outcome. i have done everything i can over nine weeks and once again we will see whether my body has once again begun attacking itself or it has, in fact, remained without evidence of disease. it is a strange and simple paradox. to be waiting for overwhelming news and feel completely free of worry. what's done is done. i don't want to be surprised by bad news but i think i'll get good news. i feel good - as good as i have for the past year. that's what i'll go on for now.