a new rule

in the four months so far this year i've worried more about my future than i had in the past two years. you would think i worry about it a lot, but really, early on, i adopted a practice of taking things one day at a time and it seemed to work for me. it made life very vibrant. it made me very hopeful. i saw things i don't think i would have seen otherwise.

but lately, and for some unknown reason, i've become nearly paralyzed with fear about my future. and it isn't fear along the lines of "oh, should i stop putting money in my 401k because it is tanking" or "i wonder if i get to have christmas again this year". it is more along the lines of "i'm scared shitless by what's going to happen to me when this gets really BAD". and i'm not talking the economy. i'm talking the raging game of survival of the fittest that's going on inside of me. i'm talking, physically, what is going to happen to me. i'll be able to feel and recognize it and that's going to suck.

before, i was able to tell myself, "there's nothing in there". and i believed it. then it came back and now i have a hard time believing i'm empty. so maybe that's the root of the fear. it came back. the other thing i have going is i've lost some people in the past couple of months. not family, not friends, but people, ones i carried with me despite having never met them or spent any time with them in person. those losses, while very personal for the loved ones in their lives, hit home with me, too, and in grieving for them, i think i became more frightened for me, which, as i type it, seems rather selfish, and for that i'm sorry. it wasn't until now that i had some connection to this aspect of my disease.

so far, i've been told again and again that i am fighting (for two and a half sometimes exhausting years). that there are things we can do. and as much as i tell myself not to waste time worrying about what happens when there isn't anything left to do, it has crept in.

so, my new rule. i need to go back to the old one.

one day at a time. things are good now and that is what i need to know and focus on. for me. maybe it is the sunshine out there, but today's already feeling better.