driveway sitting

at our house, the driveway has ended up being a place people like to hang out. i used to shoot hoops for hours on end, imagining over and over hitting the game-winning shot from every possible angle. jimnerd and friends would hit golf balls and drink beers. cars are washed. motorcycles are cleaned. the dog lies on the blacktop and suns herself. the spring i went through radiation and chemotherapy i started pulling an adirondack chair into the driveway and would sit, soaking up the sun. some days i would go for a walk first, sometimes a little bike ride around the neighborhood. but often, i would just layer myself up to brave the lingering cool and put my head back and let the sun hit my face. when i would close my eyes i could nearly forget about the limitations of my reality at the time; it was the best i had felt in a long, long time.

this week has been a tough one for me. by now i am pretty used to dealing with the drugs and the side effects. i know i won't want to eat, i know i'll be uncomfortable, i know the rash will drive me nuts, i know i'll want to sleep a lot, and i know that the point will come when i am feeling better. i could almost set a stop watch to the entire process and have it unfold without my presence (wouldn't that be nice). this week the real problem i was having was the continuity and the repetition of it all; i haven't forgotten how nice life can be without a three-week schedule. i just wonder if i'll ever get to live it that way again. and who's to say i can't, right now? why are we doing this and what are we getting out of it, i asked myself friday night, at the lowest point of my week. it was dark and i was lonely, and sick of being on this side of the fence. sometimes i just want to be one of the healthy ones again, complaining about how much i need to do this weekend, how far i am lagging behind in training, or about how i can't manage to eat anything healthy or find time for anything. so, low, i asked mom, and as usual, she answered succinctly - we are doing this because it is keeping the cancer away. because, on the continuum of things, life with cancer has been proven worse than life without cancer but with drugs.

on the sunny days, with my head in the sun and the warmth around me, i know i am lucky to be able to do this and live life so fully. i have no room to complain about a thing. last night i got to go climbing with a pretty great group of friends and actually did some climbs myself, just four days after my drugs. we went to dinner and i ate a fat cheeseburger and drank a beer. i collapsed into bed, a little worn from the day but happy i did it. this morning i woke up slowly, with a fat dog on my bed, who is always trying to protect me. i went for a two-hour bike ride and ate a donut. i took a hot shower and then sat in the driveway, watching the guys clean their bikes, the dog run away from the hose, and the geese flying overhead.

i cannot lose sight of what it is i am doing here. not even for a minute. the good days are numerous, and i wouldn't be here if i stopped what i am doing now.