the price is right

pine cones, 4 for $1.00. a deal to be had in union square. perhaps you can buy some to go along with your special christmas tree, you know, the one cut flat to lie directly against the wall, saving precious space in that shoebox apartment. pretty cheap for ornaments. i think.

i love the holidays. i think i always have. when we were little the most exciting event of the evening was posting the night's ornament on the velcro advent calendar that hung in our kitchen. jimnerd and i took turns. there were plastic pieces, shaped like candy canes, reindeer, stars, even mr. and mrs. claus, and we would pick them from a plastic baggie and push them against the felt christmas tree so they wouldn't fall off even though the velcro had been worn and worn. i can remember the way my feet felt, toes curling in anticipation inside the foot portion of my onesie pajamas, as i watched to see what jimnerd would pick or where there was room to hang my piece. the necks of those pajamas always itched, but the feet, i liked them. when i started to outgrow them we'd cut the feet off, which was kind of a downer... but i digress. on those nights when we'd hang our ornaments on the calendar, i recall running toward the kitchen before bed, scampering across the floor, feet sliding in ice skating style toward the counter, all in a hurry to cross yet another day off the list of days until santa came.

we'd also have chains made of red and green construction paper loops, linked at one end to a yellow star with a prayer on it. each night in december we would each be able to remove one link of the chain. it seemed impossibly long at the beginning of the month, hanging from the ceiling fan, but slowly it waned away to five, four, three, nights to go. such excitement! the only feeling i can liken it to now is going to bed when it is snowing in the mountains. you know good things are going to happen in the morning and it is going to be beautiful. you just know it.

of course, those younger memories revolve so much around the magic of santa and the gifts that would magically appear beneath the tree. i used to love being up in the dark and sneaking downstairs to turn on the tree lights, amazed at what was left below the branches. wondering, how did all this stuff get in here? as i got older i began to just love the glow of the lights and the reflections off the wrapping paper and the shadows of the branches in the room. some of the early morning tree joy hasn't left me. though, now, i'm not likely to be caught awake before daylight.

i do get caught up in the holidays. for me it is about hope. in so many forms and ways, hope is the most magical of feelings, and this time of year is ripe with it. i see it in kids getting excited about santa. i see it in grandparents who are looking forward to seeing grandchildren. i see it in the piles of goodies i've squirreled away for family, friends, and doctors. i see it in weather forecasts that call for just a little snow. i see it in looking forward to being with friends soon. i can't shake the feeling, and i know i run the risk of being too sentimental, sappy, or just too into christmas. i can't help it.

i think the world is a pretty ok place. there are bad things. but there are good ones, too. in trying to see the good, i'm not just ignoring and tuning out the bad. but i'm trying to be content and happy with everything in place around me. it isn't something that should be limited to this time of year, but it doesn't hurt to focus on it, because it is so often overlooked the rest of the time.

even without christmas or hanukah, without those religious holidays, we have the new year, a new start. maybe it'll bring something really fantastic. we can always hold onto hope. at least, i can.