asking the question

one of the things i struggle most with is something that appears so simple on paper: asking for help. most of the time i pride myself on not needing help. i can get through most of my days all by myself. i'm not in any physical pain that prohibits me from doing my everyday activities. i might have to do them slower than i used to, but i can get it all done. as long as i can sneak in a nap here and there i can even save time to keep myself sane; the days when i cannot go for a run or ride my bike or go climbing seem interminable. i keep myself moving and doing all these things in order to maintain my sense of self-worth and normality. for me, it is important to have these things, because i fear the day when sometime i might not be able to take care of all of this on my own.

the past couple of days, however, have been more difficult ones. a different feeling comes along with each round of treatment. sometimes i have little problem taking the drug infusion, heading home, and lying low for the next few days. i know this is what it takes in order to get through it; it is as straight-forward as taking my pre-meds and going in for my scans when the doctors order them. it is the business of being the cancer patient. there are highs and lows that come along with everything in life, though, and this week has found me a little lower than the past couple of treatments. i know it has a lot to do with the scan i am trying to ignore, the one coming up in three long weeks. and i know i need to ignore it, because there is no use living three weeks' time fighting the fears of nuclear medicine and all it can reveal inside me. as i like to say, it isn't like i haven't done this before.

but with it in mind, and the holidays on tap in the coming month, i feel like i shoulder a responsibility to those around me, trying to be positive and upbeat when sometimes i feel anything but. today, for instance, i spilled a nalgene of water on the ground soon after filling it and my tired frustration lead to tears that streamed from every other emotion going through me, not just the stupid move's fault. i slept soundly through a nap but woke up too late and sore from lying around too long. i tried to remedy the pain with a walk with the dog, but everyone else in the neighborhood was walking their dogs and i fought my way along, wrestling with the gorilla, who hates other dogs. the final straw was another spill, this time pomegranate seltzer all over my cell phone. i think i caught it and cleaned it in time, but my day was shot. despite my best efforts to never have a bad day, and never call it one even if it has been one, today was tough. i want to pick my head up and trudge on, but tonight i am out of energy and full of drugs. tonight is one for another hour of trying to relax - a hot shower, some clean PJ's, and my head hitting the pillow with higher hopes for tomorrow.

i finally did it, i asked mom to make me something for dinner, even though my appetite has gone awol. she cooked me some eggs and an english muffin, an old chemo standby from the early days. she cooked the eggs in butter, i'm sure with the intention of piling on a few extra ounces of calories because my appetite always concerns her on the post-chemo days. i knew it would make her feel better to help out a bit; i just hate having to ask. and i asked rotten to pick up my skis from having their bindings mounted. i know he knows i am good for the money and the stress i felt from having to pick them up sometime in the next week was mounting and just wasn't worth it when they are sitting literally five minutes from his house. i had hopes of being able to take care of it myself, sometime when coming down for climbing or dinner, but in reality on the days i feel good i do so much rushing around, i just didn't want to rush for that one thing. and already i feel a little better, asking these people to just lend a small hand. i'll do the same in return sometime soon, i know, but tonight i just needed a little place to lean. and i won't ever get it without asking.

the photos are from last weekend's trip to state college; it was a wet, cold weekend but the nittany lions won, i got to see it and cheer in person, i drank chai in my favorite book store, had breakfast with one of my favorite friends from college, showed rotten a little bit of what it is all about, celebrated a birthday with a couple of friends who always make me laugh, solicited hugs from a couple of favorite parents, and saw snow fall in bear meadows. i carry all these good things with me every single day. i have had so many good times in the past two years - and more - i am really lucky, and i never forget it.