the way it used to be

this weekend rotten and i headed to the new river gorge with a colleague of his to meet said colleague's friend for some rock climbing. in my mind, i painted myself a wonderful picture of a beautiful fall weekend in the fresh air, some camping, some climbing, and some hiking, and not a lot of stress. the thing i forgot, though, is that sometimes i have a very hard time doing the things i used to be able to do so easily, so well, in front of strangers who may or may not know what i have gone through in the past two years. i feel a sudden, immediate, and uncomfortable need to justify to them that i used to be stronger, faster, more confident. in trying to keep up at a reasonable pace, or climb a harder climb, or just put off eating dinner until 9pm, i am met with a frustration that brings me to tears. as i explained to rotten at one point this weekend, it isn't that i am angry about not being able to do these things at the same level i used to. i am just sad.

i spent the better part of a day and a half trying to get my wits back about me. trying to get the specter of today's scan off my horizon and back "into the shoebox on the shelf in my closet", as mom likes to say. the weather was beautiful, the company good, and the sadness wasn't how i have trained myself to live in the shadow of my cancer. i knew i had to break through somehow. it took a hot shower, a game of cribbage, and a relaxing four-mile hike out to a beautiful overlook to do it. but i finally felt like myself again, ready to live in the moment and not dwell on the fact i've lost things i'll never get back. life is different, and most times i am ready to accept that fact. i am much better at doing it around my people - those who have known me back in the days before my cancer, and those who have gotten to know me as i've gone through it. it is a tough thing to explain, but what it comes down to for me is i don't feel like i have anything to prove to them; they know what the cancer has taken from me. they also know what it has given to me. they don't need an explanation, and maybe the strangers don't either. but taking on a weekend with these activities this close to a really important scan took some getting used to. i hope next time i'll be more ready to face it all. then again, maybe next time will be a ski trip, and maybe i'll still be able to take some names and kick some ass. you know, for a run or two.

here are some photos from the weekend, proving the beauty i was surrounded by and making obvious that it was a hard place to stay down in the doldrums too long. it just took some settling down and some hard love.





the good news today is the scan showed stable disease, along with no spread to anywhere in my abdomen. this is fantastic. i'll continue the avastin and alimta for at least nine more weeks, when i'll have another PET scan and reevaluate where to go from there.

it isn't a life i would have picked out for myself, or anyone, but it is what i have, and i cannot forget that it is good. despite the gravity of the day, and the emotions that came along with it, from nervousness, to tiredness, to happiness, to some tears here and there, both happy and sad, it was a really good day. thank goodness. i hate cancer. i don't like being sad, and i know my family doesn't either. so i'm so glad today made us happy. we deserved it.