skin deep
i just sat down at my desk to read some of today's new york times goodies before getting back to work. i ate a tasty salad for lunch, full of green things and even though i know it will leave me hungry for more sustenance sooner than my other option (a peanut butter sandwich) would have, it actually hit the spot today. i took a little side trip to the bathroom mirror to make sure i didn't have any salad bits stuck in my teeth. my dentist will attest to the fact my gums are receding due to years of brushing too hard. salad likes to try to take up residence in the minuscule gaps left behind. today, no salad, just gleaming white chompers.
i took a step back and caught myself out of the corner of my eye as i turned off the light. today i look good. i don't mean i look good... i mean, really, i don't look sick. sure, i have some bags under my eyes but i think i have had those since i was five. i'm not too thin, i still have some color from my day at the beach a few weeks ago, i can stand up straight, and the weekend's haircut is moving on from its awkward first-few-days-post-haircut phase. i look healthy. to everyone who passes me on the street, i am the picture of health. in the week preceeding a scan i am constantly on the lookout for signs suggesting what kind of news i might get. i've been coughing, so maybe there will be something in there. but then again, it seems everyone is having issue with something in the air these days. so maybe not. i was tired last night, but i went napless, worked a long day, and didn't sit down for a second until dinner was served around 6pm. so maybe i had good reason to be tired. but, looking in the mirror, my doctor's words haunt me, imploring me to take the "eye test" and see. and today, i pass. i think i am fine. healthy it is. at least as far as anyone else can tell.
so, i sit down, delicious orange in front of me, new york times online to peruse, and i find this article and feel as though it was put there today, just for me. and really, that is the funny thing. until i got sick, i thought i was perfectly healthy. and if you remove from me the lingering bits of disease and crap that goes along with it, i still am perfectly healthy. introduce some microscopic harbingers of death and cellular destruction and wham, not healthy. i loathe the thoughts of the days when i actually am sick - skinny, tired, failing - that sneak into my head from time to time. i don't want to get there.
i want to be here.
healthy or something like it.
i took a step back and caught myself out of the corner of my eye as i turned off the light. today i look good. i don't mean i look good... i mean, really, i don't look sick. sure, i have some bags under my eyes but i think i have had those since i was five. i'm not too thin, i still have some color from my day at the beach a few weeks ago, i can stand up straight, and the weekend's haircut is moving on from its awkward first-few-days-post-haircut phase. i look healthy. to everyone who passes me on the street, i am the picture of health. in the week preceeding a scan i am constantly on the lookout for signs suggesting what kind of news i might get. i've been coughing, so maybe there will be something in there. but then again, it seems everyone is having issue with something in the air these days. so maybe not. i was tired last night, but i went napless, worked a long day, and didn't sit down for a second until dinner was served around 6pm. so maybe i had good reason to be tired. but, looking in the mirror, my doctor's words haunt me, imploring me to take the "eye test" and see. and today, i pass. i think i am fine. healthy it is. at least as far as anyone else can tell.
so, i sit down, delicious orange in front of me, new york times online to peruse, and i find this article and feel as though it was put there today, just for me. and really, that is the funny thing. until i got sick, i thought i was perfectly healthy. and if you remove from me the lingering bits of disease and crap that goes along with it, i still am perfectly healthy. introduce some microscopic harbingers of death and cellular destruction and wham, not healthy. i loathe the thoughts of the days when i actually am sick - skinny, tired, failing - that sneak into my head from time to time. i don't want to get there.
i want to be here.
healthy or something like it.
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