the world smells so good

this morning i decided to load the gorilla dog into the subi and head out for a little adventure. our standards, as a pair, are rather low. she is a dog that is afraid of other dogs, afraid of things lurking in tall grass, and afraid of her own shadow. i have been sleeping for the better part of the past four days or so. a mile walk is an epic trek. together we took on the world. or at least some mud.

we loped around a little park next to the brandywine for about an hour. the brandywine has a distinct smell. it isn't unpleasant and i don't think it is a result of it being necessarily dirty or not healthy. it is not quite an earthy smell. it is a combination of cool dampness and fresh rain and maybe some mud but not that of rich, dark soil. after canoeing it many times and living nearly a stone's throw away for nearly fifteen years or so, it brings with it a familiarity that is comforting and refreshing. this morning the smells of the river blended with those of myriad multiflora rose blossoms, tall grass baking in the sun, and mud from yesterday's rains drying up. red-winged blackbirds and sparrows played above our heads. by the pond, frogs sounded their deep calls and turtles sunned themselves. phlox is blooming all over the place right now. the grass was still wet under my chacos and my feet turned dark from the mud gorilla pulled me into. she ran to every end of her leash, smelling this, biting that, panting away the entire time.

our little excursion was a way of hitting the reset button. it has been a very long week. one full of drugs i just don't want anymore, meetings with doctors saying things i do - but don't - want to hear, pains in my bones and teeth and muscles that only go away with time, and a constant, dull ache in my head that permeates every inch of my being. it was a tough one to get through. sometimes i think i make it all sound too easy, that i jump through the hoops and amaze all as i do it. but there are times when i falter, when i doubt, and when i wonder just what i did to deserve all this. it is always easy to feel those things when the drugs are working their worst - and best - magic on my body. there are even times when i don't want to lean on the people around me because all i feel like i do these days is lean, lean, lean. i know i have my own two legs. i just can't seem to get them to work in weeks like the one just passed.

the good news is, i had a phenomenal weekend last weekend. and another one this weekend. those are good bookends. we think the drugs are still working, and i get to eliminate one of them, the most toxic, from my list. i can still take two of them. and hopefully they are still going to cut off the life blood (literally) to the cancer. i am finally feeling better again. the days of sleeping and boredom are over and i can feel alive and healthy again. afterall, it is only the drugs making me feel like shit. not the cancer. i can sleep soundly and nap without feeling drugged and these are all good things.

the breeze is blowing in the window and it smells sweet and summer-like. i know the pollen will make me sneeze and the humidity will make it tougher to breathe, but all in all it is perfect out there. i am glad for the return to myself, more normal, feeling better. i cannot make it go away and it is always there in the back of my head, but when the days are like this life makes me feel rich again.