chronic

there was a short article in the new york times last week concerning medicine's ability to treat some cancers as a chronic disease. lung cancer was not mentioned, but i've been keeping tabs on a fellow patient whose battle has lasted years longer than the initial prognisis would have indicated. while i know every patient is different, every aspect of our diseases can be different despite a similar diagnosis, and our reactions to treatments, surgeries, and drugs can range widely, i certainly turn to stories of perserverance to remind me just what might be possible.

i've requested of my doctors repeatedly: treat me as harshly as you can. hit me with what you have. learn from me. take the cancer away. keep me healthy. have things up your sleeve. i have many years to go, at least i'd like to think so. keep me going longer. i will do my part, rest, eat, let you know how things are going. but do not -do not - give up on me.

maybe at some point - sooner or later, that's the hard part, we don't know - things i've asked of them will be extinguished. fears i've had might be more than fears in my head - the pain, shortness of breath, other problems other than lung related - and it will be harder to leave the meetings with a smile. i don't look forward to that time. i'd like to think that by not thinking about it it will not become a reality, that i can somehow will it away far away somewhere it won't touch me and my loved ones. but there is some semblence of accepting it as a possibility that has to happen.

that's the thing about living with this monster. looking ahead gets tough, on a number of levels. i'd love to make plans - and probably will, penciling them in ever so carefully - for new year's, for christmas, for thanksgiving, for labor day. i don't feel like those times will be taken away from me just yet. but making the plans is terrifying and the what if's loom. more than a few months out is tough to look to.

i can see about five weeks out now. a trip to the lake. lots of bike rides. some cooking. then a pet scan. we see what we can't see now and reevaluate. more drugs? different ones? i'm looking firmly to august, to the livestrong challenge. i printed out the course map yesterday. i'm dreaming of a hot, humid sunday ride. getting that yellow rose at the finish. probably some tears to go with my smile. i can taste it, i can feel it in my heart.

these are the real things, the day to day things, that keep me going, keep me moving. there is no doubt, i am not going anywhere any time soon other than on vacation. but i live each day with a tiny bit of the monster inside of me. so looking forward has become something i do with my heart and soul, albeit more carefully than i used to.