parallel

i have been stuck with approximately seventy needles.
the inside of my left elbow is starting to show sign of too many blood tests.

i have had twenty chest xrays.
i have had two MRIs.
i have had eight CT scans.
i have had four PET scans.
i have had one echo cardiogram.
i have had one MUGA scan.
they've showed that i have cancer.
i don't have cancer.
i have more cancer than the last time.
what next?

i have had two bronchoscopies.
i have had one mediastinoscopy.
i have had one thorocotomy.
i have been under anesthesia four times.
i have thrown up as a result once.

i have had seventeen chemo treatments.
i have had six flavors of chemotherapy.
i have thrown up as a result ten times.
never the same day.

i have had twenty-eight radiation therapy treatments.
that's seven hours of lying on a table listening to the machine hum.

i have been bald for six months.

i have had six doctors.
one family doctor.
one pulmonologist.
one (chief of) thoracic surgery.
one medical oncologist.
one radiation oncologist.
one cardiologist.

___

i have run fifty days.
i have biked seventy five days.
i have skied fifteen days.

i have vacationed in five states.
i have touched the atlantic and pacific oceans and the gulf of mexico.

i have learned i love wearing skirts in the summer.
i have learned i love having my hair cut really short.
i have learned i love grey's anatomy.
i have learned i love rich, bright colors.
i have learned i love many different people for many different reasons.
i have learned a little ice cream might make me feel guilty but it is sometimes necessary.
i have learned sometimes a walk is more rewarding than a run.
i have learned taking deep breaths feels even better now than before.

i have learned it is possible to live with cancer.
not die from cancer.

live.
with.
it.