putting it back together or getting back on the bike or one foot in front of the other or making me normal again

last week's adventures in cancerworld left me feeling a little discombobulated. on one hand it was a first time experience, a learning one, in which i had some information given to me, i did my best not to accept the worst-case scenario, but still managed to become pretty scared all over again. most likely this will happen again, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in ten years. but there will be questionable scans with questionable spots and nodules and infiltrates, and perhaps now i will be a bit stronger, a bit more knowledgeable, and be able to take a deep breath and not get so frightened. this time they say it isn't cancer. we wait and watch.

and i am stoked that this week of cancer stress happened to coincide with the most stressful days of the year at work. thrilled, really. part of me really wished my work bag looked something like the backpack in the photo above, bursting with beers and junk food. that'll fix me!

over the course of the past seven months or so i have spent a lot of time, summoned quite a bit of mental fortitude, gathered a lot of hugs, soacked up a lot of sunshine, and have worked to forget the cancer. to forget the grip it once had on my life. i do not have it now, and i cannot waste my healthy days worrying. i always repeat myself, so why stop now - there are days when i don't think about it at all. i can get through them without talking about it, without worrying it will come back, and generally i feel back into the swing of things with new insight and gratitude for my life and the people i share it with. the latter two never change; however, there are also days when it is all i think about, it is inescapable. mostly those days were early on in the summer, as i figured out what it took to move on. last week set me back a bit, i'm hoping just momentarily, a couple of weeks, maybe a month, and i will be back to where i was in december. not worrying, not second-guessing my life and the things i do and whether it is all what i should be doing and of course, being petrified that it will come back. it will get better again. i have done it before.

in an effort to set myself straight i joined my cousin for some yoga on sunday evening. i love yoga. i never, ever thought i would say that, but i decided to go after my treatments ended, in an effort to improve my breathing and gain some strength back - and to train myself to tell my brain to shut the hell up and be still. it had been a while since i went to a formal class but i try to do it at home from time to time. it really sets me straight. sunday night's class was great - and despite the fact i have become less stretchy since summer, i left feeling lighter on my feet and more relaxed in my head than i've been in months. finally i convinced the world around me to slow down. i really need to go more often.

pair it with some climbing at DRG last night and i had to resort to wearing the dansko's today - not that that's a bad thing, but i'm just saying i can't bend over to tie a pair of shoes. i also can't lift my arms above my head. all this self-imposed stillness is helping me keep my yogic groove on all the longer. peace be with me. with you.

when's it time for a beer? oh, when the antibiotics are over...

getting it all back together now. it is feeling better and better each day.