one chance to get everything right
today i called and scheduled my next CT scan. it happens exactly one month from today. i tend to be somewhat superstitious. all of my CT scans since last december's have been on friday. i have gotten good news on tuesdays and wednesdays. i like these days. i try to schedule things around them. never mind the fact i learned i had cancer on a tuesday. the way i look at it, that was one of the best days of them all. finally, i knew what i was up against. i could make plans and go forward. and forward i went, if i don't say so myself.
after i hung up the phone with the scheduler a wave of emotion ran over me. i hate the checkups. i love the checkups. i hate that this is how my cards have been dealt. i love it, too. it is so contradictory. the root of it, though, is how ecstatic i am to be here. it is the clearest and most profound emotion i've ever felt. and i feel it every day. its strength can make me cry. mostly it makes me happy and proud. CT scans or not, i am breathing the air. i can run in the cold. i can lie on a couch and while away the hours. and to think it could have been taken away from me. this is what i was fighting for.
so today at lunch i went out and bought myself a 2008 calendar. in addition to the scan and doctor appointments in january i have ski trips to plan, a vacation to a new country, and so many other days to fill. i'd like for this year to have fewer days scribbled over by the prose of cancer. every three months is enough. i like the blank days, though. it seems as though it is filled with promise. i hope that's the case. i hope i don't have to go back to the other side. i hope new normal is all i need to know. i hope so much.
after i hung up the phone with the scheduler a wave of emotion ran over me. i hate the checkups. i love the checkups. i hate that this is how my cards have been dealt. i love it, too. it is so contradictory. the root of it, though, is how ecstatic i am to be here. it is the clearest and most profound emotion i've ever felt. and i feel it every day. its strength can make me cry. mostly it makes me happy and proud. CT scans or not, i am breathing the air. i can run in the cold. i can lie on a couch and while away the hours. and to think it could have been taken away from me. this is what i was fighting for.
so today at lunch i went out and bought myself a 2008 calendar. in addition to the scan and doctor appointments in january i have ski trips to plan, a vacation to a new country, and so many other days to fill. i'd like for this year to have fewer days scribbled over by the prose of cancer. every three months is enough. i like the blank days, though. it seems as though it is filled with promise. i hope that's the case. i hope i don't have to go back to the other side. i hope new normal is all i need to know. i hope so much.
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