new

i was lying in bed last night, staring out the window, listening to the rain coming down, waiting for sleep to come. i took a little snooze before dinner and knew i wouldn't fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, which is pretty customary these days. i felt content. my bag was packed for the long weekend in new hampshire. my skis were placed next to the door along with the poles so neither will be accidentally left behind in this afternoon's packing. everything was in its place, including me. content.

i have been trying to keep my mind from wandering in moments like the one last night. i try to will myself to sleep by repeating the serenity prayer. not necessarily because i am a religious person but beacuse it soothes me and reminds me of my main objectives. accept; change; learn. it has become my security blanket. but in between the lines i began to reflect upon the past year. i felt overwhelmed. not really in a bad way, not really in a good way. like the second before committing to a steep ski run - take a deep breath, unsure of how it is going to go, and just do it. overwhelmed in a i'm living life so here goes kind of way.

the past year has been at once miraculous, hard-fought, frightening, sad, angering, empowering, happy, and breathtaking. to sum it up on one word seems impossible. but i would do it with beautiful. even in the worst moments, the most upsetting, the times when i felt weakest or most exposed, beauty surrounded me and i was lucky enough to realize it at those exact moments. i didn't have to wait to reflect upon them to learn that they were beautiful.

there was the nurse who took my hand as i finally broke down and cried before my surgery. she told me it would be OK, that i was in the best hands imaginable. she took my hand and meant it. and somehow i knew she was right.

there was jimnerd reducing everyone to tears with a eulogy at grandmother's funeral, who sat down next to me afterward and cried a bit, then somehow made me start laughing in the middle of the church. i was still mostly bald, still recovering from my surgery, still reeling from the depression that set in when i just couldn't seem to do anything i used to do. but i could laugh, and he made me do it. we learned to lean on each other.

there was T, another lung cancer survivor who i met during chemo in the spring. she is gorgeous. i wish i didn't have to know a single other person who had to go through lung cancer treatments. but i do. and then some, not just lung cancer. airing out was a perfect stranger who showed me time and time again that this stuff, no matter what stage or type or prognosis is survivable and that people can go on to thrive and be beautiful afterwards. and princess lori, who reminded me i had fire in my eyes even though i wasn't so sure anymore. all of their strength became mine on those thursday mornings when i just didn't know how to will myself up the elevator for more drugs. the days pass. one after another. for all of us. and i don't ever forget to think of how it is all just amazing, really.

and then, all of the treatments and surgery and waiting and wondering aside, i was told it was gone. and it was the most incredible day. it is kind of how i imagine it must feel when we're born. ecstatic and excited at the prospect and adventure all around. and a little bit like i need a nap.

sitting next to the lake, finally. climbing a mountain, literally, not figuratively, finally. riding my bike outside in the fresh air, finally. having real hair and getting real haircuts and running and staying up late and drinking beers and getting to do all of these things that were kind of put on hold but i never wanted to admit it has been such an adventure. climbing and baking cookies and losing card game after card game and laughing and running with reindeer antlers, unexpected but beautiful.

seeing my friends, one at a time, and savoring meals shared together and laughing and feeling nearly like a real person again... it has been so beautiful and taken my breath away again and again. i get choked up thinking about it. i get choked up doing it. i feel like i am repeating myself, all of this beauty... but it is what the past year has been full of and i am lucky.

enjoy some of my favorite photos of the past year. who knows what the next one will bring. i know what i want, i hope for it every single day. but since i cannot know for sure, i'll take a deep breath and do my best to enjoy the little things and the people around me. i am lucky.