the waiting game

"she was in what scientists call the 'prodromal phase of emesis'. salivation increases, sometimes torrentially. the pupils dilate. the heart begins to race. the blood vessels in the skin constrict, increasing pallor... people break out in a cold sweat. fatigue and often drowsiness occur in minutes. attention, reflexes, and concentration wane. while all this is going on, the stomach develops abnormal electrical activity, which prevents it from emptying and causes it to relax. the esophagus contracts, pulling the upper portion of the stomach from the abdomen, through the diaphragm, and into the chest, forming a kind of funnel from stomach to esophagus..." (atul gawande)

and you can guess what comes next.

thankfully i stopped just before "retrograde giant contraction" and my mostly empty stomach did not evacuate its contents as i got out of the car to walk in for my ct scan this morning. as mom and i pulled into the parking lot, my otherwise calm demeanor turned nervous, as the tiniest of the hairs on the back of my neck stood up at attention. i pulled into the parking lot feeling completely on edge - the feeling you get when someone is sneaking up on you, and you know it, but you can't help but feel that way. i put one foot on the pavement and the symptoms above kicked in. whew.

before she stabbed me with the needle, which is going to give me a beauty of a bruise, i asked the nurse whether this part gets any easier. look at me, i said. i'm shaking. i can't control my voice because you know, i'm on the verge of tears. i know she wanted to be reassuring. but what came out of her mouth was something along the lines of it not getting much easier. a ct scan is always going to bring back some pretty strong memories. fair enough. amazingly, though, i made it through today without a full-fledged cry.

now it is back to the familiar hurry-up-and-wait. the hard part. the easy part. there's nothing i can change now. the proof is sitting there, on the floor next to my bag. a cd loaded with images of my insides. wouldn't you like to take a look?

wore some socks i deemed appropriate for the occassion.


the ct scanner. it is like a donut. you like donuts, don't you?


first stick in months. hurt like a bit*h.


there is a little englishman inside the machine. "take a deep breath and hold it in" he commands. "you may resume breathing" he says. phew. glad that's over!