three months
three months are already finished and tomorrow i head in for more pictures. i'm glad they are watching me, glad we will be on top of things if there are things that need attention. but the time just FLEW. it has been a great 1/4 of a year. the weather this summer was phenomenal, with just a few days that were hot enough to get my attention. i got to see a lot of friends in some of my favorite places - providence, the hampster, the cawledge, and of course at the lake. i did a fair amount of lounging around and relaxing, but also threw some exercise in for good measure. i am pretty sure i am feeling better than i did this time last year. i'm absolutely positive i am feeling better than i was three months ago.
it is hard to get psyched up for the scans. i hope that one day it will get to the point where i think of them as just routine. right now i am more than slightly nervous. i have nothing to go on, no reason to think the cancer is somehow back, but after what went on last fall and having scan after scan come back telling me unbelievable things, i guess it is hard to get out of that mindset. and it is hard to believe completely in myself, i guess, my own body's ability to heal and keep healthy; in a way, it has let me down before. most of the day i think about other things, happily distracted by work, or reading, or playing outside. but there are times when i cannot believe what i've been through - times when all of the sudden i remember, and i say to myself, oh shit. you had cancer. cancer. caaannncerrrr. what a bizzarre, strange, foreign word. oh shit. it is none of those things anymore. scary. terrible. bastardly. hateful. do i really know that word? i do. intimately. well, maybe i should get back to work... or driving the car... or getting ready for a run. let it drift back toward the middle of my brain. it hasn't gotten to the point where it is in the back of my head. yet.
so. i have been trying to surround myself with things that remind me of my super-human strength and make me smile and keep my mind off tomorrow. and if it is on tomorrow, it is only thinking good things. so i have some flowers, which are spectacular. this is the best time of year for fresh, locally grown beautiful blooms. it took me ten minutes to pick out my favorite bunch yesterday. i hemmed and hawed and finally settled on an unbelievably vivid and happy looking bunch. i must admit, i passed on the all-pink variety. something about too much pink around, everywhere i look. but alas, they, and the quality of the sunshine yesterday evening made my day. i can't help but smile. isn't there something about this time of year when the light gets golden in the evenings and it is just clear out there? heaven on earth. you know, next to a snow day.
i also rode my bike yesterday (taking today off in hopes of not causing any unnecessary inflamation in there that might show on a CT scan) with the DCCoDers. it made me smile so good today my face hurt. i'm pretty psyched i didn't have pain and tightness in my chest today, i was worried about it... not that my effort involved overexertion. i learned an important life lesson, so listen up, kids. if you cut corners you too can ride with the middle of the pack. seriously, though, i showed up more for the fresh air and seeing folks than anything else. of course the IF wanted a chance to ride on some grass, but i, too, needed to do something out of the ordinary and fun. a tiny part of me wonders what it would be like had things progressed as expected last fall and winter, sans cancer, but part of me is also really happy i can even get out for one lap around the course. if there is a flat cross course out there, let me know. i might be able to pull out 2nd to last in the kids' race. or something like that. top everything off with some mexican food and some laughs and it was precisely what i needed. i was so tired when i got home i didn't even have it in me to think about impending scans and cancer bullshit.
so. the light is pouring into my room here and i am thinking a cat nap before dinner is in order. wish me luck tomorrow, but i'll try not to need it. routine. easy. three more months, coming my way. autumn. perfect.
it is hard to get psyched up for the scans. i hope that one day it will get to the point where i think of them as just routine. right now i am more than slightly nervous. i have nothing to go on, no reason to think the cancer is somehow back, but after what went on last fall and having scan after scan come back telling me unbelievable things, i guess it is hard to get out of that mindset. and it is hard to believe completely in myself, i guess, my own body's ability to heal and keep healthy; in a way, it has let me down before. most of the day i think about other things, happily distracted by work, or reading, or playing outside. but there are times when i cannot believe what i've been through - times when all of the sudden i remember, and i say to myself, oh shit. you had cancer. cancer. caaannncerrrr. what a bizzarre, strange, foreign word. oh shit. it is none of those things anymore. scary. terrible. bastardly. hateful. do i really know that word? i do. intimately. well, maybe i should get back to work... or driving the car... or getting ready for a run. let it drift back toward the middle of my brain. it hasn't gotten to the point where it is in the back of my head. yet.
so. i have been trying to surround myself with things that remind me of my super-human strength and make me smile and keep my mind off tomorrow. and if it is on tomorrow, it is only thinking good things. so i have some flowers, which are spectacular. this is the best time of year for fresh, locally grown beautiful blooms. it took me ten minutes to pick out my favorite bunch yesterday. i hemmed and hawed and finally settled on an unbelievably vivid and happy looking bunch. i must admit, i passed on the all-pink variety. something about too much pink around, everywhere i look. but alas, they, and the quality of the sunshine yesterday evening made my day. i can't help but smile. isn't there something about this time of year when the light gets golden in the evenings and it is just clear out there? heaven on earth. you know, next to a snow day.
i also rode my bike yesterday (taking today off in hopes of not causing any unnecessary inflamation in there that might show on a CT scan) with the DCCoDers. it made me smile so good today my face hurt. i'm pretty psyched i didn't have pain and tightness in my chest today, i was worried about it... not that my effort involved overexertion. i learned an important life lesson, so listen up, kids. if you cut corners you too can ride with the middle of the pack. seriously, though, i showed up more for the fresh air and seeing folks than anything else. of course the IF wanted a chance to ride on some grass, but i, too, needed to do something out of the ordinary and fun. a tiny part of me wonders what it would be like had things progressed as expected last fall and winter, sans cancer, but part of me is also really happy i can even get out for one lap around the course. if there is a flat cross course out there, let me know. i might be able to pull out 2nd to last in the kids' race. or something like that. top everything off with some mexican food and some laughs and it was precisely what i needed. i was so tired when i got home i didn't even have it in me to think about impending scans and cancer bullshit.
so. the light is pouring into my room here and i am thinking a cat nap before dinner is in order. wish me luck tomorrow, but i'll try not to need it. routine. easy. three more months, coming my way. autumn. perfect.
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PL