clear scan #2!

it is an incredible thing to be told there is no cancer. it is difficult for me to adequately put into words. upon hearing the news, offered to me this week in phrases similar to "it looks good" or "the scans look great" or "the scans are clear" paired with smiles from people who have also sometimes been known to express looks of concern, regret, uncertainty, or even hints of sadness. in those nanoseconds when i first read the faces of the people to whom i'm trusted my life and my body, hours, days, weeks flash in front of my eyes and i am overwhelmed with happiness, an odd sense of wanting to gush enormous tears of joy, and of course i go into hugging mode. yesterday my surgeon was perhaps a bit taken aback as i greeted his good news with a bone-crushing-ish hug. you see, in the minutes i waited for him to review my scans, a lifetime passed as well. every single possible scenario rushed through my head. every single possible thing he might have to say played out in front of me. ten minutes felt like ten hours. i worried that he was recruiting his nurse to come in for moral support. i worried that the cds weren't working and he couldn't see the scans. i worried that maybe it got stuck in the computer. or maybe he got called off to emergency surgery and he wouldn't come back for hours. but he walked through that door and his face told the story i was pinning hope upon hope would be the case.

my meeting with my medical oncologist today told the same story. i was relieved to hear it again, and see it in the report from the radiologist, and to know that my happiness was indeed warranted and i could go forth for another three months (almost four this time! waiting till just after new years). i am 25% of the way through my first two-year scan cycle. unreal. i saw my radiation oncologist and he concurred and gave me some good information as well.

walking around the hospital and outside on campus today i was amazed to see familiar faces. there are people working at the hospital who i have been seeing for nearly a year. i never would have imagined i would feel at ease, or as much as i do now, in that setting. it helps to know a clean scan is in hand, i can stand tall and walk confidently and smile and be proud of the work i did to get to where i am today. walking in to see my surgeon yesterday i was shaking like a leaf. i couldn't believe it, it was something i had no control over. my entire body was shaking and with each step across the bridge to silverstein i felt a little more nervous. of course, i am so glad the nerves and frets paid off as they did. we all are.

that's the thing. i saw so many smiles today from people who genuinely care about my well-being. i am most definitely not a number or a statistic. i have a team of doctors and nurses and a social worker who help me believe we have made the best possible moves to fight this thing. i trust them and consider myself incredibly lucky to have fallen under the care that i did. some people are not so fortunate. but as mom and i walked to lunch today, i felt very strong and alive and hopeful. these are all good things to feel. and i wouldn't be here without the immense support group holding me up, and the doctors and nurses and others looking out for me.

it was one year ago today that i met my pulmonary doctor for the first time. he is the one who ordered the xray that showed a concerning spot that necessitated a ct scan that showed concerning spots that prompted a pet scan and bronchoscopy that yeilded questionable results and showed activity that resulted in him calling my surgeon who saw me a week later and operated a week later that that and found the cancer and put all the wheels into motion to getting me better.

what a difference a year makes.

it is an amazing thing, i think, to be told i have life. this incredibly amazing gift. tonight i feel hopeful and optimistic. i am at peace, finally, for a while. it is a rocky road but the victories, however small or large and however long they last, are inexplicably sweet. go, live, do, run or bike as hard as your heart desires. speechless. so good. and... tired!