leaning on a fence between past and present tense
so i had to go in for a routine doctor's appointment this morning. nothing having anything to do with my cancer. the funny thing is, cancer patients still have to do the routine checkups that everyone else has to. you'd think maybe we could land a "get out of jail free" card or something. like, instead of this one doctor, i'll give you THREE, plus more visits per year than you can count on your fingers and toes put together. nope, the current me isn't too different from the former me, you know, the one before the cancer. fit as a fiddle. happy as a clam. nice and healthy. or so i hope.
i arrive at the office and find myself with a usual case of butterflies - what is my heart rate going to be? my blood pressure? are there lumps in my lymph nodes under my arms? in my neck? what will my lung sound like? what should it sound like? did i remember to lock my car? my ipod is in the front... my cell phone too. what am i going to have for lunch? did i have to bring anything? what were those questions i was going to ask? should have written them down. shit. you'd think i'd have learned by NOW.
"no, my health insurance hasn't changed" i answer and the receptionist takes my card to be sure.
"have you had any changes to your medical history?" i knew this was coming.
"yes."
"please fill out this form and then you'll be ready to go as soon as the doctor reviews it."
"uh, do you have an extra sheet of paper to go with that? this is going to take up more room than alloted..."
and so i start in on my most recent version of the medical history story of lizzy jane. i should carry around typed copies of it, adding to it where necessary. it would save everyone involved a heap of time. the exercise serves (a) as a way to put off the inevitable doc visit just a little while longer, which is nice and (b) as a reminder of the hoops i've jumped through in the last year. i feel like there have been many, but i know there are people out there who have had to go through more... higher in difficulty and without the support i've had. i am so lucky to be here. so. i hope today's visit doesn't set off any red flags or lead anyone to believe something might be wrong.
my weight is down, well, down from what i was guessing it would be, but really, only five pounds less than where i was a year ago. it has been hot and i haven't been eating much. i did my part this evening, piling the plate up a little higher than usual at dinner. the little things like that are what creep into my head and make me wonder what is going on in there. nothing. big fat nothing. the cancer was cut out, then the genetic info was scrambled, and my whole body was poisoned and the stuff was killed. i remind myself. small moments, though, that a year ago i never would have thought twice about. i WAS losing weight this time a year ago but i didn't pay an OUNCE of attention to it. stupid, stupid. so. you can see how the little things summon the worry mechanism. but don't worry, i'm not really worried. i am feeling stellar these days.
especially because i finally hooked up the a/c in my room. sleeping like a baby, dreaming in spanish (very elementary spanish, but it is what it is) and waking up content. which is what i plan on setting off to do in just a few minutes...
in case you missed it (and you probably did) last night there was a good interview with white house press secretary tony snow and his life with colon cancer on nbc news. you can find it on their website at nbc.com. he hits many points - and drives home a message that it is so often the little things that count, and despite our diagnosis with this seemingly (and actually) awful disease we are able to live, and to thrive with it. take the time to check it out if you can.
i arrive at the office and find myself with a usual case of butterflies - what is my heart rate going to be? my blood pressure? are there lumps in my lymph nodes under my arms? in my neck? what will my lung sound like? what should it sound like? did i remember to lock my car? my ipod is in the front... my cell phone too. what am i going to have for lunch? did i have to bring anything? what were those questions i was going to ask? should have written them down. shit. you'd think i'd have learned by NOW.
"no, my health insurance hasn't changed" i answer and the receptionist takes my card to be sure.
"have you had any changes to your medical history?" i knew this was coming.
"yes."
"please fill out this form and then you'll be ready to go as soon as the doctor reviews it."
"uh, do you have an extra sheet of paper to go with that? this is going to take up more room than alloted..."
and so i start in on my most recent version of the medical history story of lizzy jane. i should carry around typed copies of it, adding to it where necessary. it would save everyone involved a heap of time. the exercise serves (a) as a way to put off the inevitable doc visit just a little while longer, which is nice and (b) as a reminder of the hoops i've jumped through in the last year. i feel like there have been many, but i know there are people out there who have had to go through more... higher in difficulty and without the support i've had. i am so lucky to be here. so. i hope today's visit doesn't set off any red flags or lead anyone to believe something might be wrong.
my weight is down, well, down from what i was guessing it would be, but really, only five pounds less than where i was a year ago. it has been hot and i haven't been eating much. i did my part this evening, piling the plate up a little higher than usual at dinner. the little things like that are what creep into my head and make me wonder what is going on in there. nothing. big fat nothing. the cancer was cut out, then the genetic info was scrambled, and my whole body was poisoned and the stuff was killed. i remind myself. small moments, though, that a year ago i never would have thought twice about. i WAS losing weight this time a year ago but i didn't pay an OUNCE of attention to it. stupid, stupid. so. you can see how the little things summon the worry mechanism. but don't worry, i'm not really worried. i am feeling stellar these days.
especially because i finally hooked up the a/c in my room. sleeping like a baby, dreaming in spanish (very elementary spanish, but it is what it is) and waking up content. which is what i plan on setting off to do in just a few minutes...
in case you missed it (and you probably did) last night there was a good interview with white house press secretary tony snow and his life with colon cancer on nbc news. you can find it on their website at nbc.com. he hits many points - and drives home a message that it is so often the little things that count, and despite our diagnosis with this seemingly (and actually) awful disease we are able to live, and to thrive with it. take the time to check it out if you can.
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