hall pass?
i tuned into leroy's blog today (if you haven't gone yet, go now... "insight" link to right) and found he was having "one of those days". we all have them. some more than others. you know - can't get out the door in the morning without something happening, let alone navigating the rest of the day. tea spills in the car, muddy feet track across clean floors, forgotten wallets, dropped cell phones, misplaced keys... you name it, the day just isn't going your way. should have stayed in bed. but the way today's going, the bed would probably break.
i am with leroy. some of us might deserve a little hall pass for days like today. because along with all that seems to be going the opposite of our way, on top of all those moments that make us want to sigh and maybe cry and definitely hit something, we have or have had cancer. not a cold. not a sore back. not a stubbed toe. cancer. i don't want to be taken as a whiner. i stumble through the more difficult days just like the rest of us. but somewhere, deep down, i cannot help but think the same thing leroy did. can't i get a break?! it is more humorous than anything. of course there isn't a break. but the pile of crap that has been waded through (think the garbage disposal scene in star wars, but imagine the disposal is actually the inside of your body) seems to warrant a truce somewhere along the line. if nothing else, the tea stain should come out, the mud had better wash off easily, the wallet should show up in the car (not home where you thought you left it), the cell phone should withstand the crash, and the keys will jingle miraculously just as hope faded.
i am able to appear as though i am "perfectly" fine. if you catch me on a good day or one during which i haven't talked much, i don't cough too much more than the average person with allergies or a little cold. as long as i don't have to lift anything too heavy or awkard, i appear to have all the strength someone of my size and stature should be able to muster. as long as we're not going uphill, i can exercise and smile while doing it. i can make lunch, cook dinner, pay bills, clean the apartment, work an eight-hour day, do laundry, head to yoga, hang out with friends, stay up late typing on the computer or having a glass of wine... just like every other twenty-something out there. but when push comes to shove, the days just aren't long enough to cram it all in, at least for me.
upon closer inspection, i move a little slower. you won't catch me running up too many flights of steps. i won't get too complicated with my cooking plans, unless it is the only thing i've done that day. you'll never catch me heading out for a bike ride and cleaning the bike in the same day. the energy just seems to vaporize.
it is frustrating and disheartening at times. but i am fortunate to have what i have. better than being on those drugs, than being zapped every day, than having a tube sticking out of me draining fluids that look alarmingly like blood (!). i don't ever lose sight of how far i have come. sometimes i just imagine what it would be like to have a "normal" energy level and muscle through a day, completing all objectives, not getting tired, and not having to think about the c funk.
i know, i know. i say i'm tired and you say "me too".
on days when i can't stand it, where there is just too much to fit in, i bail out. i turn to my endless source of extra energy. i give in. i'm happy to. i'm lucky to say i am close to my family and have turned to them countless times in the last year. even before then, but moreso since the c funk. i even called them roommates for seven months. i'm not the least bit embarassed. on days when i want a hall pass, need an out, or just want to fit in that run AND clean out the subi from "drive your bikes to state college weekend" i head home. sweet home. yesterday i took advantage of the rainy day, headed home, went for a run, cleaned the dust and dirt off the bike (nice and shiny for the livestrong challenge this weekend) AND took some rest time to veg in front of the tv. i didn't have to cook dinner. i didn't have to clean dishes. all i had to do is lean on the people who have always been there, leaning back. the people who hid their alarm when my head looked like a fat man's. the people who stood next to me and told me the last news i ever imagined hearing. the people who stayed up with me the night before my scans, talking me through my fears and telling me it would be ok. the ones who made me watch "ugly betty" because they know it makes me laugh. the ones who cooked me dinners and then had to throw them away when i refused to eat them. the ones who looked on helplessly as i just didn't know how to get myself together. the ones who waited out the toughest times right by my side, holding my hand, reading waiting room magazines, sitting in crowded exam rooms. and of course the one who wags her nubby tail and makes the world alright at the same time. the list goes on and on.
so, i don't get a hall pass. no get out of jail card.
i guess i did get out of jail pretty well so far.
but i couldn't have done it, and couldn't get through my days now, without my family. tonight i just had to say thankyou. it has been on my mind all day. i am the luckiest, and you are my energy when i have nowhere else to get it from. the source for my gracefulness, and the cause of my smiles. thank you.
i am with leroy. some of us might deserve a little hall pass for days like today. because along with all that seems to be going the opposite of our way, on top of all those moments that make us want to sigh and maybe cry and definitely hit something, we have or have had cancer. not a cold. not a sore back. not a stubbed toe. cancer. i don't want to be taken as a whiner. i stumble through the more difficult days just like the rest of us. but somewhere, deep down, i cannot help but think the same thing leroy did. can't i get a break?! it is more humorous than anything. of course there isn't a break. but the pile of crap that has been waded through (think the garbage disposal scene in star wars, but imagine the disposal is actually the inside of your body) seems to warrant a truce somewhere along the line. if nothing else, the tea stain should come out, the mud had better wash off easily, the wallet should show up in the car (not home where you thought you left it), the cell phone should withstand the crash, and the keys will jingle miraculously just as hope faded.
i am able to appear as though i am "perfectly" fine. if you catch me on a good day or one during which i haven't talked much, i don't cough too much more than the average person with allergies or a little cold. as long as i don't have to lift anything too heavy or awkard, i appear to have all the strength someone of my size and stature should be able to muster. as long as we're not going uphill, i can exercise and smile while doing it. i can make lunch, cook dinner, pay bills, clean the apartment, work an eight-hour day, do laundry, head to yoga, hang out with friends, stay up late typing on the computer or having a glass of wine... just like every other twenty-something out there. but when push comes to shove, the days just aren't long enough to cram it all in, at least for me.
upon closer inspection, i move a little slower. you won't catch me running up too many flights of steps. i won't get too complicated with my cooking plans, unless it is the only thing i've done that day. you'll never catch me heading out for a bike ride and cleaning the bike in the same day. the energy just seems to vaporize.
it is frustrating and disheartening at times. but i am fortunate to have what i have. better than being on those drugs, than being zapped every day, than having a tube sticking out of me draining fluids that look alarmingly like blood (!). i don't ever lose sight of how far i have come. sometimes i just imagine what it would be like to have a "normal" energy level and muscle through a day, completing all objectives, not getting tired, and not having to think about the c funk.
i know, i know. i say i'm tired and you say "me too".
on days when i can't stand it, where there is just too much to fit in, i bail out. i turn to my endless source of extra energy. i give in. i'm happy to. i'm lucky to say i am close to my family and have turned to them countless times in the last year. even before then, but moreso since the c funk. i even called them roommates for seven months. i'm not the least bit embarassed. on days when i want a hall pass, need an out, or just want to fit in that run AND clean out the subi from "drive your bikes to state college weekend" i head home. sweet home. yesterday i took advantage of the rainy day, headed home, went for a run, cleaned the dust and dirt off the bike (nice and shiny for the livestrong challenge this weekend) AND took some rest time to veg in front of the tv. i didn't have to cook dinner. i didn't have to clean dishes. all i had to do is lean on the people who have always been there, leaning back. the people who hid their alarm when my head looked like a fat man's. the people who stood next to me and told me the last news i ever imagined hearing. the people who stayed up with me the night before my scans, talking me through my fears and telling me it would be ok. the ones who made me watch "ugly betty" because they know it makes me laugh. the ones who cooked me dinners and then had to throw them away when i refused to eat them. the ones who looked on helplessly as i just didn't know how to get myself together. the ones who waited out the toughest times right by my side, holding my hand, reading waiting room magazines, sitting in crowded exam rooms. and of course the one who wags her nubby tail and makes the world alright at the same time. the list goes on and on.
so, i don't get a hall pass. no get out of jail card.
i guess i did get out of jail pretty well so far.
but i couldn't have done it, and couldn't get through my days now, without my family. tonight i just had to say thankyou. it has been on my mind all day. i am the luckiest, and you are my energy when i have nowhere else to get it from. the source for my gracefulness, and the cause of my smiles. thank you.
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Love Mom XXXOOO