salvation

there's a great modest mouse line, it goes something like, "if it takes sh*t to make bliss then i feel pretty blissfully". i first paid attention to it when i bought the cd a couple of years ago. it made me laugh. ain't that the truth. i didn't feel like i had too much bad stuff to deal with, but i wasn't necessarily floating on a sea of bliss, either. then i popped the cd in around christmas time on a particularly grey morning about a week after one of my chemo treatments. it made me laugh. ain't that the truth. the stuff was piled high and deep, for sure. but, i did feel pretty blissful as well. rolling with the punches, in the throes of actively dealing with and fighting the cizancer, i didn't have much else to worry about. nothing of immediate concern, that's for sure. then, last night i heard it driving home from dinner.

i was amazed, a bit, by how far i'd come since december and tried to figure out whether i'd landed on my feet or not. once again the stuff that fills "normal" days has more than creeped back into my life. the treatments are gone and i say good riddance to the daily drives to the hospital and the nauseating smell of plastic iv tubing. but there is still a lingering "is that all?" feeling hanging about. and so, i know the stuff of everyday trumps the stuff of cancer fighting any day. but bliss? not sure i'm there. glad the worst is seemingly over. but still a little tired and fiending for balance, or at least more of it, in my life. full-time cancer fighting left surprising room for relief for my mind - walks, naps, books, and of course suduko. i guess maybe i should break the suduko out a bit more often these days.

in lieu of suduko, and more pleasing to me any day, i went for a run this afternoon. i headed out to the laurels preserve and pounded out my favorite trail run, in spite of the menacing-looking clouds all around. the woods were still with the change in the barometer and i could hear the tiny movements of all the small birds and squirrels and flies all around me. i could also hear my footsteps on the rocky soil and for once got my breathing into a sustainable and comfortable rhythm. when it came time to turn up a big hill, my favorite, a long lingering climb that lasts and lasts, i walked. of course the horse flies were thrilled with my change of pace, but i think they would drop dead immediately after biting me, maybe there are still toxins left. i arrived at the top of the hill and was afforded the view of the rolling countryside i love so much. a tiny break in the trees over a bit of fence looks out over farmland. the breeze was starting to kick in and the grass, not yet mowed for haying, waved gently and smelled sweet.

i could have stood there for a day or more, soaking it all in. but i worried a little about the windows i had left open in my car. time to go. the trail then turns downhill, getting muddy as it crosses a creek and then even muddier, thanks to the horses, as it takes a small loop back uphill before turning and heading straight down. it runs along a pretty creek and i smelled the damp gulley and smiled, running at a pace i was more familiar with this time last year - thank goodness for downhills! at the bottom of the trail it links back with the original and there is a small up and down, then a bigger up and down. i walked the ups and ran the downs, then ran most of the flat out to the car, stopping about 200 yards from the car and walking. this is where i saw the fox back on my hike in april, i think. what a long time ago. the environment has changed dramatically. green and lush, it smelled of early summer and i had the place to myself today.

it was precisely what i had needed so vehmiently. i was craving it more than i can remember craving anything, other than ice chips after my surgery. or pizza after a big night out at school. take your pick. the cobwebs were cleared, i was seeing straight for the first time all week, and i had a grin on my face that made me look like i'd just won the lottery. i guzzled my water and stretched as someone arrived with their two dogs for a stroll.

"looks like you had a good run" he said as the dogs ran over to smell the disgusting runner.

"have a good walk" i said.

i opted to leave out the part about how he might find some salvation out there.

thank goodness for it.

bliss without the sh*t. that's the way i really like it. tough to get there but sweet while it lasts.