navidad
you know when you're a little kid, that feeling you get when you're looking forward to something and you just can't shake it... just can't concentrate... just can't sit still... just so full of that youthful happiness you don't know what to do with it...
i used to get that way about a lot of things. the last day of school always illicited a certain level of joy that was hard to beat. sitting in the un-airconditioned classroom as the final hours, minutes, seconds ticked away until the bell finally rang and we were free! we ran to the busses and there was a tangible buzzing of energy that was absent the balance of the year. summer brought so much to do, see, explore, and enjoy. but, oh, that energy. it is difficult to duplicate.
christmas is one time of the year that hasn't lost that buzz for me. i still can't sleep on christmas eve. it isn't for the excitement of opening my own gifts, though (ok, maybe it is, a little bit - who doesn't like a good surprise?). i love the day - from sleeping in a bit because i couldn't fall asleep the night before, to breakfast with my family, to the lazy opening of gifts in front of the christmas tree, to lying in front of the fire reading a new book - it is a day lived the way life should be, soaking up time with friends or family, lacking agenda, and smiling all day long.
finding out i don't have cancer has left me with this same crazy buzzing energy. i can't fall asleep because i'm too busy talking to myself about all the things i want to do in the next few months, i relish rolling over and taking another ten minutes for sleep in the morning, i feel like i am basking in sun, and i feel like i have the right to do so.
it's not that i wasn't planning on making it this far. the date of my first scan seemed to have me paralyzed at an impass, because i didn't want to have my made plans dashed by the goddam cancer. not that it really undid any plans so far - i still skied for new years, went to utah, florida, minnesota... but everyday life was thrown into a tizzy of appointments, treatments, side effects, and recovery that were impossible to ignore and at times impossible to plan around. all i have to plan around for the next three months is myself.
i strive for balance each and every day. i knew this was important before my cancer, but now i know how incredibly necessary it is in order for me to keep things in perspective and to continue making progress. i can't up and leave work and run around the mountains for the rest of my life, contrary to what i thought at the onset of my cancer. it sounded like it made sense to me - isn't cancer such a bad thing... if i make it i should run off and be free! contrary to this, i've learned so much about living and enjoying life that i make sure each day contains at least SOMEthing that makes me feel like i HAVE run off to the hills. there was something to be happy about each day for the first eight months; there is DEFINITELY something to be happy about each day now.
knowing i'm not out of the woods and keeping in line of my wanting to be bold - but respectful - in the face of my disease, in the back of my head i refuse to be blindsided by it ever again, i hope. that stuff better not come back. but it has taught me so much... i can't deny that. life is, more than ever, about striking that balance and progressing.
all that said, i'm taking my exuberant energy along to rhode island for some sun and good food this weekend. i want to smell the ocean now that my lungs are clear. like doing it again for the first time.
i used to get that way about a lot of things. the last day of school always illicited a certain level of joy that was hard to beat. sitting in the un-airconditioned classroom as the final hours, minutes, seconds ticked away until the bell finally rang and we were free! we ran to the busses and there was a tangible buzzing of energy that was absent the balance of the year. summer brought so much to do, see, explore, and enjoy. but, oh, that energy. it is difficult to duplicate.
christmas is one time of the year that hasn't lost that buzz for me. i still can't sleep on christmas eve. it isn't for the excitement of opening my own gifts, though (ok, maybe it is, a little bit - who doesn't like a good surprise?). i love the day - from sleeping in a bit because i couldn't fall asleep the night before, to breakfast with my family, to the lazy opening of gifts in front of the christmas tree, to lying in front of the fire reading a new book - it is a day lived the way life should be, soaking up time with friends or family, lacking agenda, and smiling all day long.
finding out i don't have cancer has left me with this same crazy buzzing energy. i can't fall asleep because i'm too busy talking to myself about all the things i want to do in the next few months, i relish rolling over and taking another ten minutes for sleep in the morning, i feel like i am basking in sun, and i feel like i have the right to do so.
it's not that i wasn't planning on making it this far. the date of my first scan seemed to have me paralyzed at an impass, because i didn't want to have my made plans dashed by the goddam cancer. not that it really undid any plans so far - i still skied for new years, went to utah, florida, minnesota... but everyday life was thrown into a tizzy of appointments, treatments, side effects, and recovery that were impossible to ignore and at times impossible to plan around. all i have to plan around for the next three months is myself.
i strive for balance each and every day. i knew this was important before my cancer, but now i know how incredibly necessary it is in order for me to keep things in perspective and to continue making progress. i can't up and leave work and run around the mountains for the rest of my life, contrary to what i thought at the onset of my cancer. it sounded like it made sense to me - isn't cancer such a bad thing... if i make it i should run off and be free! contrary to this, i've learned so much about living and enjoying life that i make sure each day contains at least SOMEthing that makes me feel like i HAVE run off to the hills. there was something to be happy about each day for the first eight months; there is DEFINITELY something to be happy about each day now.
knowing i'm not out of the woods and keeping in line of my wanting to be bold - but respectful - in the face of my disease, in the back of my head i refuse to be blindsided by it ever again, i hope. that stuff better not come back. but it has taught me so much... i can't deny that. life is, more than ever, about striking that balance and progressing.
all that said, i'm taking my exuberant energy along to rhode island for some sun and good food this weekend. i want to smell the ocean now that my lungs are clear. like doing it again for the first time.
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