i heart my heart

it had to happen eventually. nearly a month had elapsed since my last hospital visit, and push came to shove and today i had to go back. i have a history of "white coat syndrome". i would diagnose it as having presented as a stage IIIb sydrome. short of metastases to the brain or other vital organs, we're still talking pretty serious here. i truly fretted each time i even had to think about a doctor. of course the best treatment for "white coat syndrome" is to put the wary patient in a life or death situation and force him/her to rely upon doctors, medicine, and throw in some human compassion, in order to survive. in my case, the "white coat syndrome" is in remission with no sign of recurrance. i don't even have to follow up - i know definitively i am now a fan of those white coats. so, in a way, i was almost happy to head to the hospital today.

of course, today's visit was to follow up with my cardiologist in regards to my heart palpatations and tachycardia from more than a month ago. at the time, my personal, untrained but highly keen diagnosis was that my oncologists were actually trying to kill me in addition to the cancer lingering about in my chest. my heart was racing for no good reason, i was out of breath just thinking about being out of breath, and i had just completed one of the most ridiculous, but hopefully effective, series of jumps through hoops known to man. of course my heart was acting funny. but with anything, thankfully, we like to be sure.

bloodwork was completed, which showed (a) my thyroid works just fine, thank you (b) my kidneys are working fine, thank you (c) my cholestorol is pretty darn good, thank you and (d) i do have more than just chemo drugs flowing through my veins.

i wore a holter monitor for a day, and it showed (a) yes, i do get out of breath when i run up stairs, and that causes (b) my heart to race. my heart rate was high for a good portion of the 24 hours i wore it, but not out of rhythm at all. my "athlete's heart" was merely out of shape. i'd argue that it still is today. but i'm on the road of recovery. a lovely place to be.

so, i will follow up again in another three months. i get to have a MUGA scan, where blood will be drawn, tagged with a radioactive substance, put back in me, and all this will tell how strongly my heart is beating. think of it as a weight lifting exam for my heart, only all i have to do is show up and sit there.

today's meeting with the cardiologist confirmed that i had been under a tremendous amount of stress during my treatments and my body was dealing with it as best it knew how. as a testament to how far i have progressed since may 1, today my resting heart rate was a 64. the last time i met with my cardiologist it was an 86. a couple of weeks earlier than that it was routinely in the low 100's. tangible progress, no ct scan required.

after my appointment i ducked into 12 penn tower to say hello to folks there. i like hearing the banter and laughter of my nurses and it was so good to catch up, momentarily, especially without any iv's in my arm. i have heard stories about people revisiting the chemo floor and getting sick immediately, and i was expecting that, somewhat. however, it didn't happen at all. upon arriving at the hospital my heart was racing and i got very nervous. walking through the doors from the parking garage i thought not of the worst of my symptoms but of being wheeled to the car following my surgery in february. it still smells the same. the cold air conditioning supressed the smells from the first floor cafe and i didn't smell too much coffee, which seems to trigger the most uncomfortable reactions of them all.

more than anything i am glad i conquered my fears of the "white coats" and have come to realize i am stronger than i ever knew, and all those "white coats" are there to help us. because, chances are, we are each going to need a few of them at some time or another. thank goodness for their hard work and for sometimes teaching certain "scared" patients a thing or two about life.

not saying i'm not happy i don't have to go back tomorrow, either, though!