working on it...

since spending a number of summers working in a few of our most beautiful (and off the beaten path) national parks, i have been mildly enamoured with wildfire. most specifically, i am intrigued by fire's intrinsic ability to heal and nuture, despite the fearsome show it puts on each summer. it allows forests to cleanse themselves of fuel that has piled up over time. it encourages new growth, providing the catalyst for the conifers' release of seeds, not to mention the plethora of grasses and wildflowers that seem to pop right up following the infernos. wildlife finds new forage, new homes, and even humans are treated to the opportunity to witness life anew on a scale that makes our human-ness seem a bit less self-centered and a bit more magical.

i must imagine a similar catharsis is taking place within my body right now.

over the past few days i have battled fatigue unlike any i've exerienced before. typically when i say "i'm tired" i am only somewhat so. i can find another gear and grind on. sometimes it is an easy and convenient excuse to avoid a run (NEVER again!) or some extra work around the house or reason enough to order a pizza instead of cooking those veggies that really SHOULD be used tonight. but not this tired. this tired is "i need a nap within the next fifteen minutes or i might not get up for the rest of the day". it is "i can't decide what to eat not because my stomach isn't hungry but because my brain just cannot function at a useful level right now". it is also "i just walked a mile and now i need to sit and catch my breath and take a little catnap in front of the tv".

it is disheartening, to me, because it is something so incredibly foreign. my body has never had to speak to me so strongly about what it can and cannot do. and it has never really ever said "no" and meant it so heartily.



so, tonight, i look to the wildfires to teach me. incredible beauty will come from this. it is just around the corner. it is going to make me stop in my tracks and shake my head in amazement at what i have managed to accomplish over the past months. bright flowers, fresh grasses, rarely seen seedlings, and new soil will greet me and i will not have to think about this week or the others like it.



thank goodness for chemo, for radiation, for surgery, and even for heartburn. thank goodness for wildfire.

in the face of incredible extremes, life sticks its tounge out and laughs. thank goodness for that, too.