peace

the past 24 hours have been emotional ones. primarily, i have been thinking a lot about how precious life is. i cannot begin to understand someone's desire to take another's life - or their own. i never have. no matter how angry, upset, lonely, confused, or alienated, the value of life trumps it all. it astounds me there are people who are capable of such atrocity. life is such a gift. my heart just breaks thinking about what went on at virginia tech.



i have also spent time thinking about what i have to face in coming weeks. my radiation oncologst looked at my chart today and was surprised to see i only have nine treatments remaining. how quickly time flies when i am having such fun! he jokingly claimed that he will miss me when i am finished. in some ways my docs are kind of my protectors, at least that's how i feel when we are fighting the cancer together. my protectors, teachers, and doting caretakers. i will miss them when i am finished, too. but i will see them regularly. i won't have to miss them too much. i complete radiation the same day i finish with chemo. it will be quite a day.

and after that, i wait. i rest, i regain strength, i feel warm sun on my face. i reestablish some routines and make new ones, for sure. but i don't see a doctor, unless i get sick. not for a month or so. i wait and work and see my friends and take naps and cook food and take things, as much as i can, one day at a time. i'm sure i will wonder. fret. hold my breath and think, maybe if i hold my breath, it won't come back. i examine aches and pains with a magnifying glass i haven't ever had to use before.

i am so excited about my precious life and having some of it back again. maybe that is the wrong way to convey what i am feeling; i feel like i have a whole lot of life right now. i just spend a lot of time actively fighting this cancer and making it go away. i look forward, so much, to not having the commute and the hospital smell and the gowns and the blood pressue cuffs. i will replace them with bike rides, new recipes, and fresh air. i am so excited about finding my new routine and all the things i can do instead of chemo to make me feel like i am controlling my life. maybe some yoga. better food. more new york times reading. maybe a glass of wine, or a cold beer at the lake this summer. things i feel like have kind of been off to the side since all of this started.

i am so nervous about it all, too. my mind is strong and i am now equipped with tools to cope and deal with what life has to throw me. i've been thinking about what might happen if it comes back. not because i think it is going to come back, but because i think it would be impossible to go through this and not wonder what if. and i think i would be disappointed but it isn't anything i haven't been through before. and that bridge isn't going to be crossed unless necessary. right now the road is closed and there's no going there. which is fantastic. i'm nervous the things i used to do will be different; but how. who knows. things will be different, but better.

because i've been given this gift. i see through a new set of eyes and feel with new senses. more than anything i want to share my precious life with people. smell outdoor places and sit back and smile and be content in a whole new way. i am so excited.

today i made some plans for my upcoming months. i found a comfy pair of shorts, an exact copy of my most beloved pair, only in a different color. i plan on having them for summers to come, summers full of warm evenings, open windows, bare feet on the dock, rambles on my bike. we have lots yet to see.

so, tonight, give someone you love a hug. tell a stranger you like their shoes, or they have a great smile. remind another of how good life can be just because we're all in it together. wish someone peace. we all need a bit more of it.