mental health day

i spent a day in the ER yesterday. my heart has been acting up; really, just beating rather quickly. my resting heart rate typically hovers around 60 or so. for the past few days it has been close to 100, often lingering rather unsettlingly nearer to 115. my radiation oncologist was concerned - rightly so - and wanted me to have some tests run to rule out life threatening issues. you know, your average, run of the mill pneumonia or blood clots. the fastest way to get them done was to have me admitted to the ER. otherwise i might have waited a few days for the tests, and with "life threatening" issues being investigated i had little wiggle room to work with. over to the hectic, buzzing, endlessly distracting and somewhat entertaining ER i marched, and i spent the better part of ten hours being poked and prodded by a number of doctors. the CT scan and xray revealed no blood clots, no pneumonia, but wait, a slightly collapsed right lung (right lung bit, might i remind you, this is the one missing its lower and middle lobes). the lung did little to worry the thoracic surgery team that completed my surgery in february. it is so slightly collapsed that any attempt to fix it would result in more damage, which isn't what we want. i still don't have a concise answer to my racing heart, but it has been linked to the pain from the pneumothorax, slight dehydration, and stress. i feel fine about this; fine that i was checked out for the worst case scenarios and they were ruled out. fine that i won't see a cardiologist for the time being. fine to observe and hang in there. i see my doctors often and know how to reach them if i need to.

the last time there was something wrong and they didn't know what it was it turned out to be cancer.

i guess i am fine with that, too.



so, a mental health day was in order.

gorilla and i took off for a little hike - a stroll. it was grey outside and at first glance, things looked like spring was a long way off. but there, in the details, i could see the green creeping in. walking with the dog forces me to stop and appreciate details i might otherwise motor past. in fact, the last time i had been there i had been on a run, before the winter finally grew cold. before my hair had fallen out. this time, i walked slowly, making sure to feel each and every step. because of yesterday's ordeal i was hyperaware of my heart and need for rest balanced with fresh air and knew i didn't have many steps in me today. it was about the quality, not the quantity.



i liked the scar tree. kind of looks like me. if you squint.



the quality was out, and in rare form. we spotted a fox across the creek, sunning himself. well i imagined the ground he was lying on as being warm; the sun had disappeared behind the clouds an hour earlier. it is rare to spot them and i don't think i would have missed him today. i sensed him over there before i saw him, and he didn't move, other than to lie down - he had been sitting, looking intently at the gorilla and i as she stopped to sniff yet another tuft of grass. it was a little gift for my day for me. i appreciate it greatly. just when i needed it, i found it.

the next day is always better. that, i've learned.