one minute at a time...

thanks for the emails and phone calls, folks. i am digging deep to find the energy to get through my days, so i just wanted to put up a little post to say hi.

my week hasn't really been too shabby. aside from the needles and the toxic drugs i'd say i am in really good shape. well, i need the drugs, and the needles go hand in hand, so i guess i can't remove them from the equation. in any event, my days generally unfold as follows: wake up around 7am, eat some cereal, don some clean clothes, and head to the hospital with mom or dad. radiation comes first, which is essentially a 15-minute almost-nap. i lie on the table daydreaming about lying on the end of the dock at the cabin. i can smell the wood planks baking in the sun, hear the dragonflies buzzing about, and feel the sun on my face. i am just about alseep each morning when the linear accellerator hums its last note to me and it is already time to get up and make my way upstairs for the poison.

i call ahead, in hopes of getting the ball rolling a little faster, and the pharmacy mixes up my concoctions based upon which day it is. on monday i received a big bag of saline, some anti-nausea meds, some steroids, etopocide and cisplatin. the cisplatin really took me for a ride this time around. old friend, what are you doing to me? luckily i spared myself the misery of full-on sickness but i was woozy enough to dig myself a hole hydration-wise and spent tuesday getting out of it. tuesday through tomorrow, friday, i receive a small helping of anti-nausea meds and etopocide. it has been an epic journey each day, facing the fact i have to ride up that elevator and go get stuck again. i know the drugs are doing their wonders and the radiation is being helped along by their efforts, and this is what gets me through each morning.

i cannot remember wishing it was the weekend so bad. each day i have been counting down, offering myself some condolence for what i am going through. first of all, it is getting rid of my cancer. which is the best and most important thing i have going. second of all, i have promised myself if i can just make it through monday, with my final batch of cisplat (no etopocide that day) i don't have to go back for chemo for nearly three weeks. i will still have daily radiation treatments but three weeks without the chemo will be welcomed. thirdly, i am promising myself that if i am feeling up to it on sunday, it is my day of indulgence as far as food goes. i have to cram in some good stuff, but i am dying for a cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate shake as well. that's the craziest thing to me - i have to fight myself tooth and nail to convince myself to march back in for more drugs, but i can still daydream all i want about food and not feel sick (to a certain extent. we will not revisit the dinner from monday night, ever, ever again).

once i return home from my treatments i eat some lunch, which has consisted of soup, and a couple of other goodies each day. today it was crackers and cheese. i lie down for a nap and sleep for a good stretch, but with my constant battle to stay hydrated this can be a challenge. i will myself off the couch and take the dog for a walk (they've been getting slower and slower as the week has progressed) and then either sit outside in the sun or come upstairs and sit next to my open window and try to read some email. this is the longest i've been able to concentrate in a few days, so i am glad to be getting it out of my system.

it is a different set of emotions and feelings that come along with this treatment this time around. i am fortunate to be able to keep a good mind about it and more than that, i am so lucky to have my family to lean on when i really need it. i can't quite get myself up to full-speed, and i'm resigned to listening quite closely to what my body is asking for this time around. it isn't so bad, really.

and a note for tomorrow - it is doctor appreciation day, so think about your doctors, or mine, if you'd like, and send a thank you out to the people who take care of us. i am at a loss for how to adequately say thanks. a big hug and a smile seem to go a long way for everyone.