a stitch in time...

sweetness. no tube.

i managed the car-sickness-inducing ride to upenn this morning and hit one of the lows of my new physical state of being; i couldn't really keep up with mom on the downhill pedestrian bridge from the parking garage to the hospital. it was really cold outside, and mom was moving fast to get out of the frigidness, but i couldn't rebound from the nausea from the car ride (stop-go-stop-go-stop-uuuuuugggggghhhhh) to make my feet move fast enough to keep up with hers and my lung and a third weren't cooperating either. zero to sixty i am not; it will come again with time. we motored to the radiology department and i was photographed and off to meet with the surgeon.

i must admit, the prospect of having the tube yanked out was a little nerve wracking and as much as i hated the pain it caused me, i was beginning to get attached. i hoped it was not in the literal sense. but, after review of photos of my thoracic cavity and some coughing and breathing and bubbling, it was determined that today was the day. there was some fuss, a gathering of tools, some needles with numbing agents (i am getting used to this. ridiculous.) and then it was time. and you know what, it slid out just as easily as one slurps up a lonely strand of saucy spaghetti. whoop! just like that, one big motion, and there was three and a half feet of tube, headed for the trash. i now have a stitch in its place and am looking forward to thrashing about in bed tonight. ooh, i can sleep on my stomach for the first time in weeks. lovely.

not like last night; i had to clamp the tube with a "kelly clamp", basically a surgical clamp, it looks like scissors and instead of cutting it clamps. well, the tube lied right on my side and when i clamped it (to see if i would have any air build up over night, which i didn't) i couldn't really lie on my back because the handle was sticking into the bed. when i switched it around i couldn't pull the covers up all the way, but it was better than the other option. gorilla dog took advantage of the situation and proceeded to hog the entire bed, no kidding, allowing me a meager, but adequate, foot of territory in which to sleep. since i couldn't move, this wasn't much of a problem. her snoring was more frustrating than the space she took up. what a dog.

so, that is the news. it is big, because otherwise i am napping a lot, reading, watching some tv, and trying to go for a little walk each day. it sounds a little boring, which it is, 5% of the time. but most of the time i am soaking up the relaxation. i know my body has been through hell in the past months, weeks especially, and i want it to heal. plus, it has been five years since college and i have not gotten nearly enough napping in, so i am taking it upon myself to catch up. i should be good by the end of the week.

i like the existence i am forced to have right now, because it is simple. i wear comfy tee shirts layered over cozy thermal shirts, warm sweaters over that, and my most delightful jeans paired with warm mountaineering smartwools. i haven't worn contacts in weeks; i tried to yesterday but they made my eyes hurt. easy, i took them out. i go for walks with the dog, smelling the cold crisp air, and, like on saturday when it was a little warmer, i smell hints of thawing soil and warming trees. i see dads playing in the snow with their kids, like my dad used to with me. and i'm not speeding by at 45 mph. i am just sauntering through, trying to let my body figure itself out again. i nap in one of the lesser-used rooms in the house. it is filled with sun in the afternoon, and it smells like home always has. the dog, seemingly ever-present these days, sleeps on my feet and keeps them warm (the couch is as old as i am, and she is a spoiled dog, therefore she gets to sleep on it, too). i eat small snacks of things that taste good and make me happy - pretzels and gingerale, today. like when i was little. then everyone comes home or finishes what they'd been working on all day and we eat dinner together, which is a treat. i hate eating dinner alone.

i didn't choose this route and never would have, but since i have to be on it i am trying to enjoy what i can. there's no use being miserable, although i feel i do have good reason when i just can't shake the funk somedays. i'll make use of what i've been granted in the past weeks - a gentle recovery (knock on wood), caring family and friends, and beautiful weather - and enjoy it at the slower pace i so wish life would move for more people. i see so much more these days.