pre-op calm

sitting here, watching some football, writing some email, trying to kick back and relax and store up some energy into the recuperation tanks. it is cold here in PA, colder than it has been in recent memory, and it is slowly seeping into the house. i took a shower to warm up - i will readily admit to using a bit too much water since the sickness set in... a shower is such an indulgence and is a good place to get some thinking done. anyway, when i threw my warm, clean sweatshirt on over my head i could feel it tugging at some of the small hairs up there. in the past week a whole lot of it has started coming in. and it looks like it might be darker than before. this is all very exciting. i wonder when i will finally get to have a haircut. i probably won't have to have one, i will have some more hair come in and then i will have some more chemo, or at least radiation. i wonder if my hair would last through radiation only.

when did i start wondering such alien-sounding things? radiation? chemo? please.

nn other news, today was a good day at retail. i made some solid theraputic purchases, including a sweater my mom has told me she loves 100 times at least, an indulgently comfy pair of levis, a funky scarf for when i need some color in my life, and a gorgeous skirt to wear to grandmother's mass in march. i also scored some delicious almond butter but forgot to nail down the wheatina. i will have to wait until the post-op weight gain is in full swing for that. i know it isn't the healthiest thing to do, shopping to cheer oneself up, but in this case i just couldn't help myself. i am looking down the barrel at a few weeks of recuperation and i do have to be comfy and nutriously fed. style comes second, of course.

then zayne stopped by with a tardy christmas gift of some clogs - no not those crummy crocs - decked out in green felt with some embroidered leaves on them. very cool and a very great gift. so i got that going for me, which is nice. they will come in handy when i need to rock out on my lung building walks.

last night i dreamed about more skiing, only i was on some alpine boards. it wasn't so bad; but i am trying to live with so much grace these days, how can i give up the tele? and you out there, rob t with the new tele boards, look out, i am a force to be reckoned with and i will beat you down the hill next year. you can beat me on a mountain bike.

in the meantime, tomorrow is a big day of getting ready for the rest of the week; the rest of the month; the rest of whatever is to face me. i am hoping the call comes and i am scheduled for an early surgery. get it over and done and on to recovery early so i don't have to be penned up so long in the hospital/slammer. ew, and that food. please sneak some good stuff in for me. chocolate milk shakes and the like. delicioso.

and seriously, why is it that two days before my surgery i don't feel the pain in my chest or the coughing or anything else? i wish the case was the cancer just disappeared, part of the clouds of exhalation i left on the slopes of snowbird.