like december without snow...

while i was away this weekend dad decided to arrange for a little pre-christmas surprise and had a new cd player installed in the subi. i was pretty psyched for this, because i have been using my ipod, which is tough to navigate on the fly. i really like buying new cds and i have a bunch that i haven't been able to listen to in the car, which also happens to be my best set of speakers, so i am already thanking santa, and it isn't even the big day yet.

the unfortunate thing is that now my heat doesn't work. they probably unplugged something and now i am left without warm air. not that it matters. it is warm out there, in case you aren't lucky enough to be here in the east these days.

not gonna lie, folks, i've had a rough go at the past 36 hours or so. why is there something about nighttime that makes it a good time to mull over big things going on in life, like finding out whether chemo has been working or if cancer is spreading? i'd much rather sleep at night and mull by daylight, but it doesn't seem to work that way. so i am overtired, scared, frustrated, and anxious. i am hopeful, and have no reason to think the chemo isn't working, other than my worries about pain in my chest and the likes. it is an incredible thing to go through, but please don't anyone volunteer. it isn't that incredible. i allow you to live vicariously through me, no worries. in any event, i kind of want it to be tomorrow already, so i can know what is going on and what the next step or series of steps will be. i want to cement new years plans and maybe start packing. i want a full night's sleep. anything.

and so. not to dwell on the future, how about this weekend you ask? stellar. i am so, so lucky to have such incredible good friends and new ones and even just friendly acquaintances who like to hug and spread good smiles and energy. so lucky. i never forget.

providence is my favorite town, i think, other than snowbird, which isn't really a town but i would like to live there as in a town, i think. but it is utah, which is interesting, but completely off subject. providence. such a great vibe, young kids like me everywhere (they all seem to have hair, though), lots of bikes (even not at the races), good shops, food buying places of all kinds, and of course the beach is near, too, don't forget. the airport is newish and convenient and so easy to get to unless you're not quite sure, but it is not at the exit for the new rei which might be open, but might not be, will we ever be sure?

the bike racing was great to watch, we made the mile-walk in time to catch even the callups of the elite men's race, and i had a great time watching the eliteist of the elite men (other than wes and company, of course) race, some for the second time this season. one is a genetic freak, like me (the cancer, for me, for him legs as long as i am tall) and he took the race rather handily. but all in all, watching the competition satiated my own need for competition and made me happy.

i am glad to have seen lots of people i've met in past months and i'll admit it left me wishing i'd gotten to race my pretty new bike this season, but that is why we have more seasons, yes? and more than that, left me wishing i knew everyone a bit better, thank you for cheering me on (everyone, not just the cross folks, too) even though we aren't the closest of buddies. i swear i am cool even without the cancer :o)

on sunday after a delicious breakfast at ______ - call me for the name, it is a secret, because the line doesn't have to be any longer than it already is... samara and i got to check out the beach at quonochontaug, go now if you can because in the summer they won't let you in, it is private. there were many empty houses around and we decided that if we had a multimillion dollar beach house in the list of belongings we would have christmas there. if you have one and it is empty, let us know, perhaps we can celebrate christmas again in january or february. but really we would want to celebrate in july, too. the beach was pretty and empty, pretty empty, save for a few souls braving the wind, including the one who took our foto and forgot to include the ocean in the composition. obviously he has not completed any high school foto classes. we saw a seal, we swear, we think, for real, and that was about it. and we were off.

finally, we visited the waj, where we used to teach small children how to hug trees (long arms or small trees or a combo of the two). we visited the old abode and snooped around, it is a disaster area, really, and samara and i would never stand for living there in the current state. but the view is still nice, the road still sufficiently rutted, and it brought back great memories of being dirt poor while saving the world. i wondered for a moment how the cancer could be in me... i spent every day outside that year, hiking around, filling myself with fresh air and smells of the woods. i miss being so in touch with the world outside my door; the seasons changed more slowly, because each day there was something to see... included here is a picture of the pine grove, a magical place that made even the most rambunctious 6th grade boy respectful and quiet, at least for me. huge white pines wave in the wind and the sound, oh the sound, it is perfect and quiet and loud at the same time.

enough. time for a walk and a snack and most importantly, a nap.

be well. i'll fight hard.